Learning to Love

"Perhaps everything terrible is, in it's deepest being, something that needs our love" - Rainer Maria Rilke I read this quote the other day and it really struck me. It seemed fitting to what I was going through right now.

Today was a hard day. One of those days where I felt like a failure. My oldest child is having major issues with her attitude, and issues with obedience. I feel like I am constantly have to discipline her. We have had lots of long discussions lately. I pray a lot for wisdom and to keep calm to be able to handle the situation rationally. I am trying not to take it personally when she says she hates me and then packs her bag to run away (later changed her mind because realized she didn't want to go hungry living out on the streets. :) ).

Some days I think I understand how it must feel to God to look upon me and see me walk in sin. It breaks my own heart to see one of my children choosing to go on the wrong path. In my sadness though, I feel such love for them. I want to teach them to understand that God's ways are the best. Choosing to side with God in obedience brings so much joy. Oh how my heart aches to have them understand. I love them so much and want them to see the truth.

I need strength to stand strong on these hard days. To know when to say yes and when to say no. To love my children more in the way they need to be loved. To understand that sometimes behavior is a cry to be loved.

I love being a mom. I wouldn't want to do anything else. But some days are just hard!

God, I cry out to you for help. I need your strength and your wisdom. Help me to love more, to love selflessly, to love each child the way that they need. Help me to show your grace. I pray that I would choose to walk in the spirit and You would shine through my selfish flesh. I pray for my children that they would understand the importance of obedience and that they would come to love you. Oh God I need You. You have blessed me so much with my little ones. I pray that you would step into the gap...take me out of the picture and fill me with your love. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. Thank you that you gently lead those that have young. Thank you Lord for renewing my strength and showing me how much I desperately need you to guide me.
In Jesus name, Amen

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Cor 13:4-7

Deep roots

"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:17-19

I love this scripture. I love the picture that it paints. I am trying to wrap my mind around it today. The God of the universe loves me more then I can even fathom. I want to be "filled with the fullness of life". I want to fill my mind with Scripture and dwell on His truth...that is what I am choosing to do today!

A day out

My friend Janel and I had been planing for this day for about 3 months. I had gotten a $100 spa reward through a promotion at Walgreen's. I was pregnant with Claire at the time and didn't think I would get a chance to redeem them, so I gave them to Janel, who was going though a rough time. When Janel tried to redeem the spa rewards she found out she couldn't because they were in my name. Then we found out that the rewards could be redeemed for a prepaid visa. So, Janel gave them back I sent it in and got the visa. Since I had given the spa rewards to Janel to begin with, we decided to do something fun with the money...split it and and go shopping together. :) Imagine $50 each to spend...guilt free!!! When does that ever happen? Never!

Yesterday was the day we planned to go shopping. The morning started out rough on my end (James ingested a bunch of Tums and I had to call poison control...fyi, if your child eats less then 25 they will be ok!), and hectic for Janel. But, we managed to finally get out (kid free, except for Claire who came along because she still needs to be with me all the time) around noon. Our husbands both lovingly agreed to watch all the little ones so we could have a day out.

We picked up coffee and then hit the mall. We literally shopped till we dropped. Both of us were feeling stressed that morning, but thankfully once we got out were able to enjoy the day. We had so much fun trying on all kinds of clothes and shoes. It is so much more fun to shop with a friend that can tell you their honest opinion about whether you look great or hideous in an outfit!

By the end of the day I ended up with a GREAT pair of jeans; who doesn't love a comfy pair of jeans, esp. when the tag said size 6 and they fit (I'm not bragging about the size, it just felt great to get out of maternity...I still have about 18 pounds left to loose). And I got 4 really cute tops, that cover up what I don't want showing! :)

What a fun day full of laughter. We were both exhausted by the end and couldn't wait to get home to our families. We didn't get back until 9 p.m.!!

I am so blessed with the friends God has placed in my life. My friends have been there so often when I needed it the most...especially lately, with the birth of Claire, and with life being so uncertain right now. I am so thankful and so blessed.Janel and I at the end of a long fun day!

Didn't see that coming

If you read this post, you might not think this incident that I am about to tell is so strange...just another day in the life of Bill.

Bill and I use Gmail chat to communicate with each other while he is at work. I have really enjoyed being able to do that. It's fun to be able to send each other random thoughts and keep each updated on what is going on throughout the day. I usually sit down by the lap top in the morning while I feed Claire and chat with Bill or other friends who happen to be on. A few days ago I received this message from Bill,

Bill- I was getting into my car this morning, when all of the sudden I felt something hit me. I looked down and saw a squirrel rolling away.

Me- What?

Bill- Yeah! A squirrel fell on me! It fell out of the tree and landed on me.

Me- Oh my word! I can't believe it! Only you Bill. :) What is up with that?

Bill- I don't know. God threw a squirrel at me.

Me- Maybe He is trying to get your attention.

Bill-LOL

Me- LOL :)

What are the chances of that happening? A squirrel slipped and hit Bill on it's way down out of the tree, just as he was about to get into the car. Seriously...only Bill! :)

The thought of this makes me laugh. I only wish I could have seen it for myself!

An evening to remember

Our date night last night was so great! After we dropped the 3 older kids off at church, to be watched by several loving families, Bill and I headed up to the bluff. We sat in the car, overlooking the lake, and reminisced while I fed Claire. We talked about our first date, first time we held hands, and other fun memories. In that moment all was right and perfect. I LOVE being with Bill. He is the one after 8 years of marriage I still day dream about. He still makes me laugh with the things he says. My heart still flutters when he looks at me! :) I will not pretend that we have a perfect marriage...we don't. We have our hard moments. But, I feel very blessed to have this man in my life. I am very much in love with my husband.

After I was done feeding Claire, we headed over to Bill's parents. They offered to watch Claire so we could go to the movies. We decided to see the movie Expelled. Not a romantic movie, actually it's a documentary, but we both really liked it. It was very interesting. I highly recommend it!

I would say we had the perfect night. It really wouldn't have mattered what we had done..any time together is great! I had Bill's mom snap a picture (of course Bill had to blink, and then the camera died so we couldn't retake it. :) ), to capture this monumental evening.

I am so thankful for the evening out. I love being together as a family, but time away as a couple was definitely needed!

A Date

I am so excited!! I am going on a date with my man tonight! We have not gone out in over 10 months!!! One of the ABF's (Adult Bible Fellowship) in our church is watching all of our ABF's kids. There are probably over 30 kids that they will be watching. This is such a blessing that they are doing this. I don't care what Bill and I do tonight, just having the time alone will be wonderful.

I am almost giddy with excitement to have a date. I think I will actually put on some makeup and make myself look nice! :)

CUTIE

The shirt says it all!!

Our Weekend in Pictures

My dad treated us to some of our favorite junk foods, that we don't eat very often He took the kids shopping and let them each pick out a little toy. And also got us a HUGE box diapers!!!
It was Papa's first time meeting Claire. He spent lots of time loving on her! :) Of course, who can resist her sweetness?! Lots of laughs and snuggle time!

Thanks dad for everything! We loved having you here. It was nice to have a break and just relax with you. You have blessed us more then you know! We love you!!

Rain

I have posted this here before...but I wanted to post it again. This Nooma video was shown at our moms group on Tuesday...just what I needed. I have stuff to write, but don't have time. My dad is flying in tonight for the weekend. I need a break from thinking about anything upsetting. Time to enjoy the next couple of days with my dad...yea! :)

For now I leave you with this...it's what I have been thinking about lately. If you haven't seen it before, please take the time to watch. It touches me every time I see it.

Fear

Sobs overtook my body, leaving me feeling weak. This can't be happening again. I felt frozen with fear. What would I do? What if I lost him? "No God!" I cried. "Why is it returning?" The fear that always haunts me, the thought that lurks in the back of my mind, had made it's awful presence known....CANCER... Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation come over me, my eyes opened, I realized I was enveloped in darkness. I laid there for a second until I realized what was happening and I could collect my thoughts clearly. A sigh of relief washed over"Oh", I breathed. It had only been a dream...thankfully, just a horrible dream....

Shortly before Bill and I started dating he found out he had cancer. It's a long story, and I'm not going to go into all the details of it right now...but suffice it to say that Bill's cancer was removed. He has been cancer free for 9 years now, praise God! When we were first married, I worried all the time that it would return and I would loose him. The fear of loosing him was so real sometimes that I would make myself sick. Thankfully over time, I was able to hand it over to the Lord and entrust Bill's life to Him. I knew that God was in control no matter what!

Last night when I had that dream, all those scary thoughts and feelings came rushing back. They felt so fresh, like I was living it all over again. I realized when I woke that some amount of fear must still lurk in the recess of my mind. It is not something I have thought about in awhile. But I am sure in my subconscious there is a reason I dreamed this.

I have not written about everything that is going on here, simply because I haven't felt like it. But, now I think it's time to share for those who don't already know, and ask for prayer.

Bill found out a few weeks ago that he is being laid off. It came as a surprise, even though I guess it shouldn't have. Bill had been given an 18 month contract with SC Johnson. Being that it's contract work, you shouldn't be too surprised if they end your contract sooner. We are blessed that Bill was able to work there for the 7 months that he has. Anyway, they are laying him off (due to budget cuts) at the end of April. I have felt really at peace the last few weeks. We have walked this road before, and each time we have seen God provide for our every need. I am sure that this time will be no different.

Bill has been applying for computer programing jobs all over the country. Last summer when he did that, I felt so sick. I could not fathom leaving behind our church and friends, and everything that we love here. I think God was so gracious in allowing us more time here. He allowed us to grow closer as a couple, experience my pregnancy and the birth of Claire, all the while being surrounded by people who love and support us. The past year has been such a blessing.

This time around, I am starting to feel as though maybe God has something else in mind for our family. I do NOT WANT to move, but I feel at peace about it. I know that is from God. I feel like it is ok, we will be ok. I don't know if that makes sense. I just don't know that God has it in His plan for us to stay here. These are only feelings, they do not mean anything. I think the real heart of the matter is that God wants me to be WILLING to move. I want to be a helpmate and support to my husband, and I realize that it may require sacrifice...it seems that sacrifice is always required with obedience. I feel as though my heart is more prepared this time. I am more prepared to pack everything up and move to "a foreign land" with my husband.

You may be wondering what all of this has to do with the fear that I talked about at the beginning of this post. Tonight Bill and I had a long talk. There is a possible job opportunity. It is pretty far from here...in Arizona. When Bill first told me, I thought "Ok Lord, if this is what You want, I will go." This may not be the job or place for us, but I am willing to go wherever the Lord leads us. Well, tonight Bill informed (he had already explained this to me, but I guess I didn't fully understand) what it would cost to support 2 households. Huh? I was confused at first, but the reality hit me like a brick. It is a temp job, and it really wouldn't be wise to move our family across the country for a temp job. Being that Bill is newly out of collage and doesn't have much experience there really aren't a lot of options for him. If Bill gets this job, it would not be "us" moving, it would only be him. We would stay behind while Bill works 6 months to a year or whatever. He would travel home now and then to be with us.

When he explained this, and I fully understood what this meant, my heart sank. This was NOT the sacrifice I agreed to. I agreed to follow Bill wherever God lead, not be left behind. This is too much for my heart to take. My mind flooded with anxiety and filled with doubt. I can't parent our children alone. How will I ever get groceries? How will I get to church without Bill's help? Who will wrestle with the boys every night after supper? My heart began to hurt for all the possible things that Bill would miss out on...all of Claire's firsts. Tucking the kids in at night. Missing all the cute and funny things they say. Teaching them God's Word. And then my mind turned to, thoughts of us as a couple. Bill is my best friend. I miss him while he is away at work. Sometimes the days seem so long. I look forward to the moment he walks in the door from work. Who will I laugh with if he is gone? Who will tell me that everything will be ok? Who will support and love me when I need it? I could not stop the tears from coming last night or right now.

The fear is different then when he had cancer. But it feels every bit as real. I am afraid of loosing him...not to death...but of him having to move (for a short time) without us. Everything is so up in the air right now. He has an interview this week. They have expressed interest in him. This does not mean that he will go. There are a lot of factors that need to come into play.

Please, if you have any judgments of this situation, do NOT tell them to me. I am sharing my heart to let you all know what is going on with us. I need support and encouragemnt, not judgment! We could just really use prayer right now. I need prayer that I would not fear the unknown, that we would have wisdom to do what is best for our family, and that I would be willing and obedient to do whatever God calls us to.

Spring

The first sign...spring is on the way!

Homeschool Blog

I have decided to start another blog just for the purpose of writing about our homeschooling journey and progress. This blog (My Full Cup) is what I use for writing about everything, and I am still going to be using this blog. I just wanted a separate place to document our adventures in school.

So if you are interested in reading about it you can go here.

Heart Lessons part 3

Part 1
Part 2
THE MINISTRY OF MOTHERHOOD: Is mothering enough?

I mentioned here that I really struggled last summer with what the Lord was asking me to do and to give up. I knew that He wanted me to lay aside my ministry leading our moms group at church, and focus on my family. As painful as it was to step aside, I did it out of obedience to my Savior, trusting that He knows best for me and for that ministry. I had peace about the decision, however I wondered at how my heart would feel as fall began, and things moved on without me.

Thinking about it made my heart hurt too much. I really struggled to find my self worth. I am no longer "in ministry", which has been so much a part of me...maybe a little too much. I suddenly found myself at a loss. "Who am I?" "I am only just a mom now. " I know it sounds terrible, but I really felt like I no longer had much value because I wasn't being used. I KNEW how important my role as a mother was, that is one of the reasons I stepped down from what I was doing. But my head knowledge was not connecting to my heart.

I can honestly say that these past 9 months or so of being "out" of church ministry have been such a blessing...unlike any I have ever known. I have been able to find true joy and purpose. I was so blessed to be used in serving the woman at our church. I truly enjoyed my time in that ministry. But I feel as though I have found my calling to be a mother, and to do it whole hearted. I am not implying that you cannot be involved in outside ministry. God calls a lot of moms to ministry outside their 4 walls...this was a very personal decision for me, and one that the Lord has given me total peace about.

For me, finding peace and joy came down to 3 things.

1. Stepping out in obedience--I knew that the Lord was asking me to set aside ministry in our church to focus on our family. My heart had become too divided, so it was time to step down.

2. Remembering that my self worth is not in what I do-- Who I am is found in Christ. My identity is in Him--not my ministry, my husband or my kids...only in Christ. "
"For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Col 3:3

3. Perspective--Looking at life through God's eyes, and determining what is important. Understanding my calling as a mom and the GREAT importance of that. Seeing each day as a gift, and each moment with my little ones as an opportunity to impact eternity.

A few quotes I want to share that really encouraged my heart on the subject of perspective:

Anne Morrow Lindberg observed somewhere in her timeless little book, "Gift from the sea", that most of us don't really mind pouring our lives out for a reason. What we do resent is the feeling that it is being dribbled away in small, meaningless drops for no good reason.
For me, one of the greatest frustrations of walking through the 'dailiness' of my life as a Christian is that I don't always get to see how the bits and pieces of who I am fit into the big picture of God's plan. It's tempting at times to see my life as a meal here, a meeting there, a carpool, a phone call, a sack of groceries- all disjointed fragments of nothing in particular.
And yet I know I am called, as God's child, to believe by faith that they do add up. That in some way every single scrap of my life, every step and every struggle, is the process of being fitted together into God's huge and perfect pattern for good.--Claire Cloninger (When God Shines Through)
*******************************************************

The story is told of Three woman washing clothes. A passerby asked each what she was doing.
"Washing clothes" Was the first answer.
"A bit of household drudgery" was the second.
"I'm mothering three young children who someday will fill important and useful spheres in life, and wash-day is a part of my grand task in caring for these souls who shall live forever" was the third.

Ordinary work, which is what most of us do most of the time, is ordained by God every bit as much as is the extraordinary. All work done for God is spiritual work and therefore not mearly a duty but a holy privilege.--Elisabeth Elliot (The Shaping of a Christian Family)

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Eph 2:10

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." Col. 3:23

I love these! Seeing life through heavenly lenses really changes my perspective. The ordinary things that I do, the work that often feels mundane--the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning, fits together to complete this perfect plan that God has for me. I am fulfilling God's plan for me and thus bringing Him glory in all the "small" tasks. Suddenly the ordinary turns into something that feels more like extraordinary. I am blessed, my heart is light...what an awesome privilege I have been handed in mothering my little ones.

Thank you God for the grace that is bestowed, the joy that has been given, and the peace that ensues, for this journey called motherhood.