Waves

They come every now and then. Usually unexpectedly so. A song, a recipe, a smell...things connected with some distant memory. I feel emotions I can never pin...

I remember when my Grandma died, I was sixteen.  My mom would sometimes wear the perfume that my Grandma would wear.  I couldn't stand it.  It made me feel...things that I didn't want to feel.  I asked her not to use it when I was around. Maybe I like to pretend and deny. Sometimes it's easier that way.

For the most part I feel nothing now. It's been 7 months...7 months since my mom left. It seems like a long time ago and yet not so very much. Sometimes I wish I could feel more. I feel like such a bad daughter/person. Who looses a loved one and yet feels nothing? They say that sometimes it takes time to really come to grips, but for crying out loud, you would think it would have REALLY hit by now.

My brother told me that he prayed that he would be able to cry at her funeral.  I wish I had prayed that too. Anna asked me the other day why I didn't cry on that day.  I told her that I did...a little but I so much wish that I could more. I hold it in. It's just always been my way. It's probably not good.  I always equate tears with weakness (for myself not in others). But I wonder if that really were true, is it so wrong to be weak sometimes?  I wish I didn't think I had to be strong.  Scripture says that His strength is found in our weakness. Maybe tears would help me to depend more on Him.

Praying for tears.  Praying for weakness. I think I have too much pride.

My heart grieved long ago about the loss of my mother. We used to be really close her and I.  I loved to stay up late as a kid and just talk to her.  She was a good listener. She was good a making me laugh and good at wiping my childhood sadness away.  But then I grew and we grew apart.  Some things happened that the two of us were never able to fully get over I guess.  She changed, although I'm sure I did too.  Things just weren't the same. She was no longer interested in listening and I no longer talked.  That's when the wind blew and my heart cried and that part of us died. God filled the void that that relationship left, and so I suppose in a way it made her passing here on earth just a little easier.  Although nothing can replace that original relationship.

When we traveled out east this summer I felt a wave of homesickness.  I haven't considered that place my home in a long time. But being there brought back memories.  It made me miss her. My eyes brimmed but never spilled. I wanted SO badly to drive past our old home.  But it was out of the way and there wasn't time.  I was hoping that maybe then I would really feel something and get closure.  I kind of doubt it though.

Yesterday was one of those days too.  I am working on a family tree as a project for school.  There are holes on my mom's side.  People's names and ages that I can't remember.  For an instant I wanted to pick up the phone and call and ask her... I'm sure someone else has that information but I wanted to get it from her.  I had a sense of feeling lost? It's hard to describe.  Maybe it's because I don't really understand it.

And so some days these waves come and I pray to deal and to understand them. I pray for weakness and the strength to deal with that weakness.  I pray for tears...to flow freely.  And I pray for the day when we will be with Him and never have to shed a tear or have an emotion that I don't understand...and all of this will be but a distant time and we will have joy forever. 

*This isn't my typical post, but it is me being real and raw and what my heart has been dealing with lately.

Look what came in the mail today

Hayley had a contest on her blog last week...and guess what, I won! :) She made these cute little headbands. The contest was for one headband but she was so sweet and decided to make another one for Katy! Thank you Hayley! The girls love them.


I decided to take some pictures of the girls modeling the headbands. I had a photo shoot envisioned but it didn't really turn out how I wanted. Oh well, you get the picture! The headbands and the girls are still cute (in my opinion) despite my flopped pictures! :)

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Although I have never met her in person I "know" Hayley from MANY years ago when Fairlight and I published HopeChest together.  She was a subscriber who often contributed her writings. After I resigned from Hopechest I lost contact with many people from that era of my life. So it was fun to reconnect via Facebook and blogs awhile back. It has been neat to see how the Lord has led her and see the beautiful family she has been blessed with.

If you would like to see a tutorial on how to make these headbands you can find it here on Hayley's blog. Or if you just want to "meet" a beautiful woman of God visit her blog. I guarantee you will be blessed!

Weekly wrap

It's time for another weekly wrap. I'm sure you all are just sitting on the edge of your seats to read of our happenings. {grin} I'm sure it will be fun for me in years to come to look back and read the little trivial details of our lives.

Well, potty training isn't going so good. Claire WAS doing really well.  She hadn't had any accidents in weeks. She started keeping her diaper dry at night and at nap times.  The only thing we hadn't gotten down was going #2 on the potty but we were working on it.  Well, within the last week or so Claire has regressed. Ugh! She pees on the floor all the time now.  I haven't figured out if she just doesn't care anymore or just gets too busy to want to go. Whatever the case is we had to put her back in pullups. {frown} We have concluded that maybe she just isn't ready?  Although she is for sure smart enough. I don't know, it's pretty frustrating. We are working on it, and I remind my self that she won't always be in this stage.  I just have to say though, potty training is my least favorite stage.

Katy seems to change daily. I don't remember if I mentioned last week but she laughs now.  It's so cute. And when she smiles you can see her big dimples on both sides.  I changed her feeding schedule this week. I was feeding her every 3 hours but it seemed like she wasn't really wanting to eat much so I decided to have her go every 4 hours.  She is sleeping and eating so much better.  It amazes me! She is such a happy baby.  feeding every 4 hours has given me a little more freedom with my time.

I noticed this week that my hair is starting to fall out.  I was wondering when that was going to happen.  This has to be my least favorite part of after having a baby...well, that and the 25 pounds I have to loose {smile}. Now I will need to start cleaning the shower daily (maybe I should be doing that daily anyway hahaha) so the hair doesn't build up, yuck!

Thought I would jot down what our Our daily routine consists of.

~Alarm goes off at 6:20 am.
~I get up at 6:38 {smile} and shower
~Out of the shower a little before 7 am
~Get the kids up at 7 (although Anna is always up around the time I am so no need to wake her)
~Wake Katy and feed her at 7 am
~Anna and Ryan head out the door at 7:20 to get on the bus
~From 7:20-7:50 I get the other 3 kids ready for classes
~Bill and I head out the door usually at 7:55 and head to class
~Our first class of the day starts at 8:00am.
~At 8:40 I leave class to take James and Claire over to Preschool and Toddlers (They have to be in their rooms by 8:50)
~From 9am to 12 pm we have classes ( have to take a break during classes to feed Katy usually around 11).
~We pick the kids up at 12 (or a little after if the teachers go late) and head home for lunch
~Between 12-3 pm we have lunch and naps for the little ones.  Sometimes I am able to slip in a little nap right after lunch until I need to feed Katy at 2:30pm.
~I try and have my quiet time at 2:30 pm when I am nursing Katy
~James and Claire are often up from naps around 3
~Anna and Ryan get home around 4
~I greet the kids, give them snack and we take about their day.
~They usually head out to play for a little bit until supper time.
~I aim to feed my family around 5:30
~After supper the kids do their chores, Anna clears the table, washes the dishes and washes of the table. Ryan picks up the living room and sweeps the floors.  James has the shoe chore.  He lines up all the shoes against the wall. And he has to clean up his room.  Claire has the job of cleaning her room.
~After chores Bill does Bible study with the kids (usually while I feed Katy)
~Bedtime starts between 7:15-7:30 the kiddos are usually tucked in by 8.  I read to the boys (right now we are reading the chronicles of Narnia picture book) and then I read to the girls (we are reading Elsie Dinsmore book 2)
~Bill and I sit down and start homework
~I get Katy out of her bed around 10:30 and nurse her 1 more time for the day.  Bill and I usually use this time to relax together. We either talk or watch a DVD.  Right now we are working our way through the series HOUSE M.D. season 1.
~We go to bed and get (never enough) sleep only to wake and repeat it all again the next day!

I talked to a friend here who's daughter has a ton of food allergies.  She was so encouraging.  She offered to help her go grocery shopping to show me where to get the right foods.  She has been such a good resource.  She is going to lend me a cookbook too that has all kinds of recipes I can use for James.  I am excited about that!

We have made Friday nights family night around here. With the week being so busy and the kids in school all day, I often feel like we need time to just do fun things instead of the normal routine. We played a new game (that I got for free) with the kids on Friday. It was called "Learning to Listen Pizza Game" it's made by Noobleboro. It was a hit.  Technically the game is for 2-3 players but we made it work for the whole family to play. Bill and I took turns ordering the pizzas and then we rotated who played. James and Claire would make the pizza's then Anna and Ryan would go. We all laughed and had fun in the process (of course there were a few tears shed by a few of the younger members of the fam...they are still learning about taking turns. {smile}).  I think it is a good character building game...or at least we turned it into that.  Without the kids knowing we were teaching them about sharing, taking turns, considering others, etc. Family nights have become a thing that the kiddos all anticipate every week now. So far we have usually watched movies but Bill and I are trying to come up with other options then just movies. We always had Friday family nights when I was a kid and I am excited to be implementing it with our little ones.

I LOVE Saturday mornings.  Even though our weekends are usually busy due to family time and homework, Saturday mornings are just relaxing around here.  We sit around in our jammies.  The kids play with their toys on the living room floor, we read books, I drink my coffee. We are not in a hurry for anything. It's a much needed change of pace from our hectic week.

Another great thing about Saturday mornings is taking a shower. Sounds funny, but it is the only day of the week I can actually enjoy taking a shower.  I am not in a hurry to get ready for the morning so I can just enjoy the silence.  I enjoy talking to God during this time, just me and Him pouring over what is on my heart. It is so refreshing. I always have so many things in my heart, so it's good to have a concentrated amount of time to be able to converse with Him.  I know I can do this anytime (and I do) but Saturday morning showers are just special. {smile}

A funny conversation I had with the kids on Saturday:

Anna- do you know how bees turn nectar into honey?

Me- no I don't.

Anna- does anyone know?

Me- Yes, I'm sure scientist do

Ryan- I want to be a scientist when I grow up.

Anna- That's dangerous.

James- I want to be a cyborg.

LOL LOL  I have no idea where cyborg came from!

Well, I think this has gotten long enough. I think I better wrap this thing up!

Until next week...

The way she came

Wouldn't you love to step outside and find this sweet thing outside your door? I know I would. Oh wait, I don't have to because she lives inside my door! :)

A funny story about these pictures. First of all taking pictures of newborns can be sort of tricky...especially naked ones. You need to be prepared for what can happen when you take the diaper off. In that first picture, you can't see it but there is a nice size puddle on the ground next to the box that Katy is on. This happened almost as soon as I took her diaper off. At first I wasn't sure what to do but then figured oh well and kept going. I cleaned up the mess when I was done. :) The other thing I wanted to mention about photographing newborns is that they are fairly pose-able.  I wish I had remembered that for the first picture. It would have looked cuter if she was all scrunched up like the second one. Oh well, live and learn.

I think taking pictures of babies is one of my favorite things to do, and if I was a "real" photographer maybe that's what I would specialize in. :) Thankfully I have my own baby and can get my fill of that for the time being.

Weekly Wrap

It's Sunday evening and I have finished my homework and ready (or not) for school tomorrow morning.  The weeks since we got back here have been going so fast.  I just looked at the calender and realized  that we are fast approaching October! Graduation is right around the corner. I remember when we first got here last August a woman I met (who later became a good friend here) told me to enjoy every moment here because it goes by so fast.  I nodded my head and smiled but inwardly thought "good.  I really hope it goes by fast." Of course I didn't really want to be here at all. But now that we have two semesters under our belt and December is getting closer I have mixed emotions. I never thought I would say this, but I might actually be sad to leave this place.  With all the ups and downs that we have had (and I have hardly written about it) this place has actually become our home. Another thing about leaving here is that we will be officially "homeless".  It's not like with summer break when we went back home, stayed with a few different families and then came back to our Apartment here at the end of the summer.  We will no longer have a place to go back to.  That is such a weird feeling.  Such has become our lives! :)  It's exciting and scary all at the same time.

That was really random and not really the reason I sat down here. I don't have much time these days to write, so I thought I would try and do a weekly (weekend) wrap.  Just a short summery of our lives during the week.

Nothing too exciting to note.  We very immersed into what is happening here are school. Bill and I only have 1 class (4 hours of the same class) a day.  The last two semesters we have had 4 classes a day but now that we are getting to the end things are getting pretty intense.  We are doing CLA (culture, language, acquisition) Practicum.  The class is basically us acting out everything we have learned up to this point.  They have a mock village with people (staff) dressed as villagers (face's painted and wigs included).  We get to go in and see what it will be like (on a very small scale) to face things in a different country.  So far it is really interesting but a lot of hard work.  We are assigned a language helper to help us speak their language.  They speak broken English to us while they are trying to teach us.  It is a lot of work but I know it is going to be so worth it to have practiced many of the things we have learned.

Katy is getting so big.  I find that I am falling more in love with her everyday. We are starting to see more of a personality in her.  She is so full of smiles and coos. She really is such a blessing to our family. I find that I just want to be with her all the time.  So most days you will find her strapped (in my Baby K'tan) close to me.  I love having her in class with me and so far that is going really well. Knowing that she is our last makes it even sweeter to have her close.  We just want to enjoy every minute.

Bill and I have been working our way through the Lord of the Rings trilogy. In the evenings after the kids are in bed, and our homework is done we sit down to watch a little bit, while I feed Katy on last time before bed.  This is such a nice relaxing part of our day.

I am reading through the book of Acts. Every time I read this book I just enjoy it so much. It is always so inspiring, the faith that all those men and woman had at the start of the church.

I did TONS and TONS of laundry this weekend.  It felt good to get it all done, of course it won't stay done but it's always a good feeling to get that accomplished.  I washed all of Katy's 3-6 month clothes. She is almost outgrown her 0-3 month clothes.  Hard to believe, but she is 3 months old now so I suppose she is going to start needing bigger clothes.  I'm not sure I am ready to pack up all the little things yet...sigh!

We found out James has food allergies.  He can't have egg whites, wheat, cow's milk, or peanuts.  We have cut all of those foods out of his diet until we can pinpoint what is causing his skin to get so itchy and inflamed. This week I have been feeling out of ideas for food for him.  I feel like all he eats is rice.  I am looking for new recipes but sometimes it gets so hard.  We eat A LOT of rice, fresh spinach and carrots, and chicken.  At least we are eating somewhat healthy.


A funny thing Claire said tonight, "Katy has black hair."  I replied, "Yes she does. and what color is your hair Claire?"  She looked at me for a second and said, "Blue!"  I laughed and said, "No, Claire your hair is brown, silly."  Then Claire surprised me and started crying.  I guess she really did want blue hair! :) Maybe you had to be there to think this was funny.

So I think that's about all for this week (or what I can remember anyway).  Nothing too exciting to report...however sometimes not too exciting is good. :)

And that's a wrap...until next weekend!

3 months

Oh my sweetness!
Katy how have you gotten
so big
so beautiful
so precious?

Can't believe you are ours!
Could spend all day
staring into those eyes
kissing those sweet cheeks
What a gift!

Worship with gladness

picture taken on 6-29-2010

After lunch today I sat down to feed Kaitlyn. Being that she was over tired and hungry she was really upset and crying pretty hard. In the midst of trying to calm her down and get her to nurse Claire climbed up onto the couch next to us. Claire had been singing sweetly and suddenly stopped and looked at Kaitlyn and said,

"Katy, what's the matter? Worship with gladness! I worship with gladness!"

I had to laugh. What a sweet thing to say. I pray that all my children will worship the Lord with gladness.

She really is

Pure {Kaitlyn} Joy {Joy}
She fits the meaning of her name so well

Taken on 8/20/2010 two months old
Someday soon I'll explain why we gave her the name. :)