*I am back tracking here. I wrote this about 6 weeks ago...before we moved to Mo. I need to remember all that God has/is teaching my heart. It is nothing profound or well written, just parts of my heart. :)
I picked up my Bible and devotional book, it was exactly what I needed to read that morning...
I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you will find it easier to believe you are my beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.
Instead of trying to 'fix' yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather then using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.~ Jesus Calling
I have been discouraged for feeling discouraged. I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that things are changing, we are moving. I fall apart easily, I cry way too much. I judge myself based on my ability to deal with stress. I judge myself on what I think I look like on the inside. (and outside for that matter these days, haven't been able to shed those last 15 pounds that I need too...) I DO feel so unworthy of God's love. Sometimes I just wonder at how He could possibly love me? I have looked inward and tried to fix what I think is wrong with me, but nothing changes. I continue to feel bad from the inside out, and God continues to feel so far away.
This internal struggle has been going on for months. I do battle in my mind every day.
Here's the problem I realized while having my quiet time. I have moved my focus off of my Savior when I have these thoughts. I once read, "to be disappointed with yourself is to have believed in yourself...to be discouraged is unbelief-as to God's purpose and plan of blessing for you." I am seeing just how true that is. I have shifted my gaze to inward rather then upward. He is the only one who can fix what needs to be. And sometimes what needs to be fixed isn't what I think it is. The thoughts I have about myself affect so many other areas in my life. I had no idea until recently that it was what was affecting my relationship with Him. He has seemed so far away. I wondered where He went. I KNOW that He does not leave, but I really don't feel His presence. I sat with His Word in my lap and told Him I didn't even know where to start. I read a little from His Word...that didn't really do anything to change how I "felt". I closed my Bible and just prayed. I told Him how I was feeling. I knew He could handle it. As I poured my heart to Him the dam broke and I began to sob. Then that's when I opened up to my devotional book and knew that He was using those words to speak to me. It was a gentle rebuke. And although it didn't change how I "felt" it did open my eyes to see where my gaze needed to be.
More of Him...less of me...and it's a start to where I need to be.
Thank you God for your mercy, help me to dwell in Your truth and keep my eyes on You.
