Waiting

We have been waiting for a long time. (or so it feels) In fact, waiting has been something that Bill and I are getting really good at. I would venture to say we are even becoming pros. :)

Hurry up and wait. It's the name of the game.

We wait on the Lord to reveal His will.

This is a big week for us. Tomorrow is the 16th. A final decision is going to be made about our future. There are days when it has felt like it ALL hangs in the balance, but we know this isn't true. He has a plan, no matter what the decision is.

It's like opening a package on Christmas morning. I know that whatever is in that box is going to be good...because it was given to us by the Giver who gives good gifts.

So we wait with anticipation and hope...no matter what this weeks answer will bring.


Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Is 40:31

The path ahead

I have been meaning to finish the rest of what I started writing back in February. Whoa I can't believe It has been 2 months already. It amazes me how time flies. I wanted to sit down and finish my thoughts a few days after I posted the first part here. You might want to go back and refresh yourself with that post if this one doesn't make sense. :)

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In order to explain where God is leading us now (for those who don't already know) I need to go back in time just a little bit...

Bill and I lived in Michigan the first 6 months of our marriage while He finished his schooling at New Tribes Bible Institute. After his graduation we moved back here to get involved in the church that he grew up in (the church that we are still currently apart of). Our intention was for this to be our sending church. We worked in the church for about 6 months. We had all our paperwork filled out, and were even penciled in to go to the missions training school (with New Tribes) in August of 2001. All we were waiting on was a recommendation from our Pastors. I still remember clearly the day we met with our Pastors to get what we thought would be their approval to move on. However, we were given the news that they were not going to send us. After much prayer they felt that it wasn't the right time for us to go. They wanted us to get more involved in our church before we went on.

I think we both felt shocked and a little dizzy...we never saw that coming. We both loved and respected our pastors so much and trusted that the Lord, for whatever reason had led them to this decision. Honestly it didn't make much sense to us, but we trusted them and the Lord's leading.

After about a year and half had gone by and we were involved heavily in the church...we came to a crossroads. Our church still had not decided to send us on. Bill was having trouble keeping a job without having any degree (other than a Bible degree). We prayed about it, not knowing if God was ever going to let us go. We came to the decision that Bill needed to go back to school. We were unprepared to have a back up plan, but it appeared that now one was needed.

This was a hard decision for both of us to make. That meant even if the Lord lead us back to overseas missions, it was going to be a very long time before that ever happened. It also meant that quite possibly we would never go. My heart broke. Was the Lord really asking us to lay aside our dreams of how we thought we were to serve Him...and just trust Him? We had peace about Bill going back to school.

To make a long story short after several years Bill finally had a degree. Over the next few years Bill had many ups and downs with jobs. We had some really tough times. It just seemed that he was never going to get anything permanent. Finally a ray of hope came and he was offered what he thought at the time would be his dream job. Well as most of you know that dream shattered and ended on a bad note...for no reason it seemed. Bill was once again without a job. Of course unknowingly to me God was working in the midst of this with a plan that was far bigger then I could have seen.

After loosing job after job, God laid it on Bill's heart that this was not the direction our family was to be going anymore. Bill came to me one evening in November and said that He believed after much prayer that God wanted us to pursue missions once again. It's hard to describe the emotions I felt at that moment. I was surprised, but not so surprised. I was excited and then extremely sad and overwhelmed. But I KNEW the second that Bill told me what God had been impressing on His heart that this was it. I just knew it was right. It just made sense. I had not not seen my husband so full of life and joy as I did at His realization of what God wanted us to do. I knew that God had been preparing my heart for something for months, I just hadn't expected it to be this. I had not not seen my husband so full of life and joy as I did at His realization of what God wanted us to do.

We have prayed about this step as a couple. This is a HUGE life changing decision and not one we took lightly. We sought the counsel of wise men. We went to our Pastors. We talked to the missions committee at our church. We contacted New Tribes Mission. Over the last 5 months God has done some pretty amazing things on our behalf...and He has made it so clear this time that this is what He wants.

So what does this all mean? Well, in less then 4 months we will be packing up our family and leaving this place we have called home for the past 8 and a half years, and headed to another state to complete our training with New Tribes mission. We will be there for 1 to 2 years. This whole thing still seems so surreal to me. I feel such a range of emotions. Trying to downsize our belongings and pack up is overwhelming. Thinking of having to leave our church for a time and our friends brings me to tears...every time!! But I do feel excitement deep in my heart. I do feel peace. I have prayed over and over that the Lord would use our family to glorify Him, and I am honored and blown away that this is the capacity that He would see fit to use us.

I know that the path ahead might be scary at times. We have to depend on the Lord to provide for us. I know that the path ahead is going to be full of twists and turns. But I know that wherever He leads us He will be there to guide and protect...and there is much joy to be found in walking a path of obedience...even if it wasn't what I expected.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

If you want to keep up with the ministry in which God is leading us, Bill and I have a blog here. He mostly publishes updates on there, but sometimes I do too. :)

The road traveled

The was sun shining and a cool breeze blowing on my face, I took it all in...Ahh, perfect! Glimpses of newness, of hope, of good things to come. Even though I knew it was only a teaser, I couldn't help but be so thankful for this fleeting time. Spring is still a little ways off in our part of the country. We still have a bit of cold winter left. But being able to soak up a few short days of fresh air was so refreshing.

As enjoyable as the weather has been lately, it also brought with it bittersweet feelings for me. The thought that spring is on the way is very exciting. But as I was driving home yesterday from an appointment I was overcome with a sense that with the change of season, there is going to come a change of life for us. One I totally did not see coming. On one hand it is not surprising because we serve a God who is full of mystery and wonder. But on the other hand I really thought that this change was something of the past. A dream, a "calling" that was long since reconciled. I know that doesn't make sense to some of you. So let me just back up a bit. I think I might just have to go all the way back to the beginning...

I grew up in a Christian home. It was a home that was far from perfect, but my parents did their best I believe. When we were young it seemed that if the church doors were open, our family was walking through them. We were very involved, and I loved it! My parents had a desire to teach us God's Word and expose us to as many godly influences as they could. I remember my parents opening up our home on many many occasion to missionaries that our church or my parents supported. It was through all these influences that I came to know the Lord. I was young when I trusted Christ as my Savior. I remember one afternoon my mom reading me a children's book about the man who had to carry the cross for Jesus. The book covered Jesus death, burial and resurrection. We talked about the reasons why Jesus had to die on the cross. Suddenly my eyes were opened. I knew in that moment that I was a sinner and that there was nothing I could do to save myself from my sin. I needed Jesus blood to cover my sin. My sins had put him on the cross. I placed my faith in His shed blood and trusted His word that I would now be able to spend an eternity with Him.

Even though I was just a small child, I felt this passion, this urge to tell everyone the Good News. I knew that God had called me to spread His Word to a dying world. Not because I was anything special but because I was His and I had been entrusted with this gift. As I grew so did my desire to serve Him. I told the Lord that He could use me. I was willing.

After I graduated High school I decided to go to New Tribes Bible Institute in Jackson MI (how I ended up there is a long story in and of itself...I'll save that one for a rainy day :) ). Bible school was the most amazing experience I ever had. I soon realized that I knew hardly anything about God's word. My mind was blown away by the richness of what His Word contained. After my first year in Bible school, I felt led to go on a Short Term missions Trip To Papua New Guinea with New Tribes. While there the Lord worked in my heart in a way I was not expecting...isn't that usually the case?! :) Something I wrote during that time,

Sunday August 9, 1998

I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to come to PNG this summer. I have learned so much, I feel like I could fill a book with everything. The funny thing is, I didn't learn what I had expected to. I guess God has a way of doing that! :)

I think when I left for PNG I expected to figure out for SURE one way or the other what God wanted me to do with my life. I wanted God to spell it out in black and white. That was a pretty silly expectation to have because God doesn't always work that way. One thing I learned right away was that I don't need to try and figure out God's will for my life. God's sovereign will is sure, and will be accomplished no matter what. We make plans but it's the Lord's purpose that Prevails (Prov 16:9). The important thing is not figuring out His will, it's my relationship with Him and my obedience to His Word. God's will is not something we need to struggle with.

While being here I know that my eyes have been opened to the obvious need around me for the Gospel. My heart hurts for the lost, I want them to have the same joy and promise of eternal life that I have. But as I take my step toward the mission field I must remember that a passion for God and obedience to Him must be my driving force, not the need. I want to have that passion for God that I see in the lives of the missionaries here. I know that must be the only thing that keeps them going.

As Paul W. spoke in church today I was again challenged with all these things that God has been showing me these past 6 weeks. One thing I realized was that this whole time I have been living to see my desires accomplished. Every time I struggle with going on the mission field it's because I am afraid to let go of the things that I want. It is impossible to do God's will when we are focused on our own desires. When I think about the fact that Jesus died, He gave up His will, everything for the sake of seeing His Father's will accomplished, I should be willing to say, "After what you did for me, there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for you."

Luke 9:23-24 ..."If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."

Die to self and my desires, and follow Him. Even if it means going on the foreign mission field [alone], I will go.
~Elizabeth at age 19

One thing that I was struggling with (that I didn't spell out in the journal) was my desire to be married and raise a family. I wanted so much to find a godly man and to serve with him. But over the course of time, the Lord revealed to me that He wanted me to give up those desires, to lay them at His feet. And so I did. Those 6 weeks, the Lord whispered to the depths of my soul to follow Him, stop worrying about the future. I had never pictured myself serving overseas while single, but I knew that if that was what God wanted, I would do it.

I just love how God works. After my trip to PNG I went back for my last year at Bible school. This is when I met and fell in love with Bill (who came in as a freshmen that year). We formed a friendship which eventually (2 years later) lead to marriage. As we stood before God and many witnesses to pledge our love and commitment to one another, we proclaimed our desire to go to the ends of the earth to peach the Gospel. Things seemed to finally come full circle for me. I stood amazed at God's goodness. He had blessed me with a husband, and now it seemed that we would be serving the Lord together on the mission field, where both of our hearts were burdened for.

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Well, as most of you know we didn't go, as I sit here typing this in my little house in the big woods...not from the ends of the earth. :) So what happened? And what does this have to do with the change that is coming soon? You are just going to have to stick around for the rest of the story. :)

To be continued...

Heart Lessons part 3

Part 1
Part 2
THE MINISTRY OF MOTHERHOOD: Is mothering enough?

I mentioned here that I really struggled last summer with what the Lord was asking me to do and to give up. I knew that He wanted me to lay aside my ministry leading our moms group at church, and focus on my family. As painful as it was to step aside, I did it out of obedience to my Savior, trusting that He knows best for me and for that ministry. I had peace about the decision, however I wondered at how my heart would feel as fall began, and things moved on without me.

Thinking about it made my heart hurt too much. I really struggled to find my self worth. I am no longer "in ministry", which has been so much a part of me...maybe a little too much. I suddenly found myself at a loss. "Who am I?" "I am only just a mom now. " I know it sounds terrible, but I really felt like I no longer had much value because I wasn't being used. I KNEW how important my role as a mother was, that is one of the reasons I stepped down from what I was doing. But my head knowledge was not connecting to my heart.

I can honestly say that these past 9 months or so of being "out" of church ministry have been such a blessing...unlike any I have ever known. I have been able to find true joy and purpose. I was so blessed to be used in serving the woman at our church. I truly enjoyed my time in that ministry. But I feel as though I have found my calling to be a mother, and to do it whole hearted. I am not implying that you cannot be involved in outside ministry. God calls a lot of moms to ministry outside their 4 walls...this was a very personal decision for me, and one that the Lord has given me total peace about.

For me, finding peace and joy came down to 3 things.

1. Stepping out in obedience--I knew that the Lord was asking me to set aside ministry in our church to focus on our family. My heart had become too divided, so it was time to step down.

2. Remembering that my self worth is not in what I do-- Who I am is found in Christ. My identity is in Him--not my ministry, my husband or my kids...only in Christ. "
"For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Col 3:3

3. Perspective--Looking at life through God's eyes, and determining what is important. Understanding my calling as a mom and the GREAT importance of that. Seeing each day as a gift, and each moment with my little ones as an opportunity to impact eternity.

A few quotes I want to share that really encouraged my heart on the subject of perspective:

Anne Morrow Lindberg observed somewhere in her timeless little book, "Gift from the sea", that most of us don't really mind pouring our lives out for a reason. What we do resent is the feeling that it is being dribbled away in small, meaningless drops for no good reason.
For me, one of the greatest frustrations of walking through the 'dailiness' of my life as a Christian is that I don't always get to see how the bits and pieces of who I am fit into the big picture of God's plan. It's tempting at times to see my life as a meal here, a meeting there, a carpool, a phone call, a sack of groceries- all disjointed fragments of nothing in particular.
And yet I know I am called, as God's child, to believe by faith that they do add up. That in some way every single scrap of my life, every step and every struggle, is the process of being fitted together into God's huge and perfect pattern for good.--Claire Cloninger (When God Shines Through)
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The story is told of Three woman washing clothes. A passerby asked each what she was doing.
"Washing clothes" Was the first answer.
"A bit of household drudgery" was the second.
"I'm mothering three young children who someday will fill important and useful spheres in life, and wash-day is a part of my grand task in caring for these souls who shall live forever" was the third.

Ordinary work, which is what most of us do most of the time, is ordained by God every bit as much as is the extraordinary. All work done for God is spiritual work and therefore not mearly a duty but a holy privilege.--Elisabeth Elliot (The Shaping of a Christian Family)

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Eph 2:10

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." Col. 3:23

I love these! Seeing life through heavenly lenses really changes my perspective. The ordinary things that I do, the work that often feels mundane--the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning, fits together to complete this perfect plan that God has for me. I am fulfilling God's plan for me and thus bringing Him glory in all the "small" tasks. Suddenly the ordinary turns into something that feels more like extraordinary. I am blessed, my heart is light...what an awesome privilege I have been handed in mothering my little ones.

Thank you God for the grace that is bestowed, the joy that has been given, and the peace that ensues, for this journey called motherhood.

Heart Lessons Part 2

Part 1 is here.

MOTHERING AND MINISTRY: my divided heart

There has been a battle going on inside my heart all summer. Aside from what our circumstances were and the uncertainty of everything, there was a war going on inside my mind. I made a huge decision at the beginning of the summer. Something I knew the Lord was asking me to do. I referenced to this process as "Labor Pains" in June, but did not explain entirely what I was talking about. I knew that obedience was required of me, but I didn't know how hard it was going to be to let go and follow God's leading.

For the past three years I have been involved in a ministry to moms at our church; Time Out For Moms (TOFM) The first year I helped lead the small group of moms with another lady from our church. When she moved away to Chicago at the end of the year, God laid it on my heart to take over. My friend Janel decided to co. lead it with me. We had so much fun leading it together. We picked and planned what we were going to study, and also planned activities for us to do as a group. While I am not a born leader, I enjoyed studying for and teaching each lesson. There have definitely been trials, and struggles along the way. And Janel and I at times felt the attacks of the enemy. But neither one of us would trade any of it.

This summer as Janel and I began to prepare a study for this fall, things took an unexpected turn. God began to quietly speak to my heart concerning my family. I can't really explain it, but God made it clear to me that he was calling me to do something.

I want to share a quote from an article by Greg Harris that really spoke to me. He said concerning his kids,

C.S. LEWIS ONCE OBSERVED that God is not so much offended that we want too much as by the fact that we are satisfied with so little. Though He offers us the highest of adventures in our Christian life, we settle for the stale mediocrity of our lukewarm religious routines. The parental counterpart to this idea is that most mothers and fathers actually want too little for their children - they settle for success in this world's terms. But God would have us aim higher, not like an ambitious stage mother pushing her mildly talented children into the spotlight, but like a fine jeweler making the best possible use of each bit of gold, silver, and precious stone he has. My children are priceless treasures, and I want God's highest and best for them.

Putting things into that perspective really made me think. What is my desire for my children's lives? I certainly don't want to settle for anything less than what God desires for them.

This summer the Lord asked me to lay aside my ministry to the moms group. This was not a decision that came easily. I spent so much time praying about it and just trying to saturate my life with God's Word. It broke my heart to have to leave this ministry. At first when I came to the realization that God was asking me to quit, I really wondered, "God you can't be asking this of me? This is where my heart is. I love all of these women. My heart is to see them grow in the Lord." I was and still am sad at leaving because I see our young moms at a crucial point right now…ready for so much growth. It is right at the point where my heart has been longing for it to be, and now the Lord is asking me to step aside. While it has been a privilege to serve the Lord this way, He has made it clear that my time in this role is done; and that my main ministry and focus needs to be to my family. Bill and I have felt led to home school right now (we don't know for how long, just taking one year at a time). I cannot do that as effectively when my attention is divided.

When I informed Bill of the decision I had made and how God was leading me, his response confirmed what I already knew. He said that He had been praying for me for awhile that the Lord would lead me in the right direction. He really felt that my time as a leader had come to an end but didn't want to tell me that and influence my decision. Also, shortly after Bill and I talked, Janel called to say that she was feeling like God was calling her to leave TOFM. We both came to the same conclusion without ever having talked about it together.

I know that there may be those that won't understand my reasons. I prayed that there would be no hurt feelings. (I am pretty sure there weren't any...the Lord provided someone to take our place in this ministry.) But I am convinced that I am doing what God wants me to do…and I know that there is peace and reward in obedience. In my quiet time I had been reading the book of Isaiah. I came across a verse I had never though much about. Isaiah 2:22 "Stop regarding man, whose breath of life is in his nostrils; For why should he be esteemed?" It just struck me that I can not worry about man's opinion of me…and not to sound harsh, but I have to be more concerned about God's opinion of me and be obedient to that.

Leading TOFM has been one of the hardest but yet one of the most wonderful experiences. I learned so much during my time as a leader. I am very thankful for even the trials and the refining that took place in my life because of it. I am so thankful for all the moms and the wonderful friendships that I have seen blossom. I am thankful just for the opportunity to be able to teach what the Lord has laid on my heart; which at times was humbling.

I never knew what a struggle it was going to be to surrender to the path God has asked me to walk right now. I have peace about it, but yet full of sadness at having to leave something my heart was so tied to. (I will expound more on that later). This school year is going much better however with me being able to focus entirely on that. Oh, and I had no idea when God asked me to step out of TOFM (not step out entirely, I am still going to go, just not lead it.) that He was going to be giving us a baby in Feb. So...I know for sure that I am doing what He wants... and there is joy in that!

Thank you Lord for guiding me. Thank you for the opportunities you have given me in ministry. I pray that I would be a diligent worker in the task you have set before me...the ministry of motherhood. Thank you for filling my heart with peace and that the "labor pains" have subsided.

Labor Pains part 1

I have so much on my heart right now. I don't even know how to explain it. I feel heavy but light...sadness but full of joy all at the same time.

The Lord is doing something in my life right now...some of which hurts. Of course sacrifice always comes with pain...but joy usually follows. It's like giving birth...it sure is painful to go through at the moment, but as soon as that new life comes forth, an overwhelming joy washes over. The joy ultimately supersedes and is even more powerful than pain...and, you are left with something beautiful which was worth all the pain or sadness in the world.

I knew from the time I placed my faith in Christ at a young age, that He wanted me and was going to use me. Not because I was anything special, but because I was His child and I knew that was what He wanted for me. I felt called to missions and wanted to spread the good news to a dying world.

So many of my life decisions were based on that fact. After High school I went to New Tribes Bible Institute. I went on a short term missions trip to PNG. I met, fell in love with and married a man who had the same passion I did. We moved back to WI to get involved in the Church Bill had grown up in so they could be our sending church. We filled out all our paper work and were penciled in to go to the New Tribes Missions Institute in PA. Then we had our meeting with our pastors. We were given the news that they were not going to send us. After much prayer they felt that it wasn't the right time for us to go. They wanted us to get more involved in our church before we went on. (We had been living here for about 6 months at that point).

Bill and I felt the blow. I think we both felt shocked and a little dizzy...we never saw that coming. We both loved and respected our pastors so much and trusted that the Lord, for whatever reason had led them to this decision. Honestly it didn't make much sense to us, but we trusted them and the Lord's leading.

After about a year and half had gone by and we were involved heavily in the church...we came to a crossroads. Our church still had not decided to send us on. Bill was having trouble keeping a job without having any degree (other than a Bible degree). We prayed about it, not knowing if God was ever going to let us go. We came to the decision that Bill needed to go back to school. We were unprepared to have a back up plan, but it appeared that now one was needed.

This was a hard decision for both of us to make. That meant even if the Lord lead us back to overseas missions, it was going to be a very long time before that ever happened. It also meant that quite possibly we would never go.

My heart broke. Was the Lord really asking us to lay aside our dreams of how we thought we were to serve Him...and just trust Him? We had peace about Bill going back to school.

4 1/2 years later....brings us to the present. Bill now has his degree under his belt after many years of hard work. Now we are just waiting and wondering at what God wants for us....wondering at what God has in store for our family.

I have been reading Francine River's, "As Sure As The Dawn". Her books are so great and always make me think. One thing I read the other day really made me catch my breath,

"More often than not, I take my salvation for granted. I fill my mind with unimportant things...Oh, that God would put it in my head and heart what he has done for me every morning as I awaken."
"So be it," Theophilus said, his voice gruff with emotion. How many times had he found himself caught up in the plans for serving the Lord in the future, rather than praising Him now."

It hit me that in the past I spent so much time looking towards the future, and how I was going to serve the Lord then, and not now. Oh, I served the Lord...and for the most part with the right heart and attitude, but I honestly didn't think my life's purpose would be fulfilled until I was overseas serving the Lord. Nothing seemed as important as spreading the Gospel...everything else just paled in comparison.

I am just beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe the Lord has used me, even if it has been in a small way, to impact eternity. It certainly has not been in a way that I thought, but I know that God's ways are so different than my own. I am His humble servant and I just long to be open for whatever He wants.

Being open to what He wants is so often hard. Sometimes I feel like He keeps asking my to lay aside what I thought He wanted me to do. Although maybe I try and hold on too tightly to what I forget is not mine. Everything belongs to Him...my kids...my husband...my ministry...my belongings. When He asks me to change direction I know I need to say, "ok Lord. I trust in you." James 4:14-15 "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

I want to praise Him today and forget about tomorrow.

The labor pains are beginning again...I can feel them coming. My soul groans in anticipation... Something beautiful is about to be born.