Needing to refocus

Shout joyfully to the LORD, all the earth.

Serve the LORD with gladness;

Come before Him with joyful singing.

Know that the LORD Himself is God;

It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;

We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving

And His courts with praise

Give thanks to Him, bless His name.

For the LORD is good;

His lovingkindness is everlasting

And His faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100

This morning during my quite time I was reading through the Psalms. I was so struck with how many times during my reading that David referred to Joy(not just this psalm but I also read a few others). Maybe it's because God has been impressing on me the need to have joy in my life. I need to have joy in all I do and in every situation. We are to consider it joy even when we go through trials.

I have been struggling lately with finding joy in my trials. I tend to want to feel sorry for myself. something happened last night that brought me to tears and made me come before the Lord. It actually sounds kind of funny but I couldn't get my keys in my car out of the ignition. They were stuck while the car was running; meaning we couldn't get the car to turn off. Bill and I tried for an hour before Bill had to just unplug something in the engine (I have no idea what) to get the car to stop. A friend of mine had called while we were in the middle of all of this and I had asked her to pray. Well, she called back later to find out what we had figured out with the car. I explained what Bill did and that we were going to have to take it to the car shop in the morning. I was feeling very stressed about this because it means spending more money, when things are starting to feel tight. I then heard myself say to her, "I guess God wants to keep us humble and keep us poor." I kind of laughed and we moved on with our conversation.

When I hung up the phone it suddenly struck me how bitter my words had been. Oh, they did not sound bitter but they had not be said with any spiritual meaning or with humility...I was feeling angry and bitter about our circumstance. And what's worse is, I said it to my friend sadly with maybe the intention to get her to feel bad for me. Sometimes I am just so disgusted by my sin! I sat there and cried and prayed. I asked God to help me have joy and to have faith in Him. I have been fearful because Bill is going to be graduating this spring and he has to find a job. He has been looking and applying and not really hearing a whole lot in return. My flesh is scared that he won't find something; but then on the other hand if he does find a job I am afraid we will have to move far away from all that we love here. My head knowledge tells me that God is in control and that I need to rest in Him. I have to keep coming before the Father and confessing my lack of faith in Him. God is so faithful even though my faith is so small. It's just been such a struggle for me to surrender what I want and say, "What ever Your will is I will accept it."

I am being honest here. I do feel discouraged. I feel "alone". I don't really feel like any of my friends understands (please understand I am just venting here...I am not upset with anyone). I know that I have people that love me and are praying for me. Everyone has their own hardships and struggles so why should mine be any different? And, even though I am hurting right now I don't want to be ignorant of the hurt that is going on around me. I want to be there for my friends. But I guess that's hard to do when my focus is so much on myself and my circumstances. My focus needs to be on Christ.

I know that when I feel "alone" that is usually God's clue to me that I need to come to Him. He is there...He is there always. Even when no one else understands...He does. Oh, how I need Him!

Thank you God, for your lovingkindness. Thank you that you are faithful even though I am faithless oftentimes. I am so glad that you are in control and not me. Please help me to be surrendered to whatever Your will is. Thank you God for your provision for our family and that we have never been without anything we need. You are amazing Lord. You have always pulled through for us even when it was at the last minute and I doubted you. Father, help me to keep my eyes on you. Help me to remember that you love me and have my best interest in mind, even though I cannot understand. Help me to remember that trials are a gift and they bring about perseverance and faith. Help me to lay my burden at your feet and rest in you.

In Jesus name, Amen