Just being real

I have not felt like myself lately. I haven't been up to writing. I just don't have the energy these days. We have had a lot going on....life has been hard lately. I try to focus more on the positive side. I don't want my blog to be a place that's filled with my complaints. But I also don't want to be fake either, because let's face it we all have hardships. I think sometimes it's good to share the bad stuff so we know we are not alone. So I am attempting to strike a balance.

I have mentioned that Bill recently lost his job. Doesn't it seem like when one big bad thing happens it just snowballs? Maybe it's just me... Over the past couple of weeks we have had, so many "small" frustrating things. Bill's car bit the dust. We had to scrap it. My laptop broke. Bill fixed it but it is now back to freezing up on me. Bill threw His back out. Our main computer died. We need to buy a van because our family car is really on it's last leg. But of course we can't do that because Bill doesn't have a job. Then there is some other junk we are dealing with that I'm not even going to mention. Sometimes it's just that one small thing that happens that puts you over the edge, today it was a serious of "small" things.

It was such a terrible day! I know that it could have been worse- much worse, but I am really glad that it is almost time to go to bed because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. It started like our normal Sunday morning, rushed to get everyone out the door. We were running late so I made the mistake of not checking to make sure everyone had everything they needed. That was a BIG mistake as I would soon find out.

We were about 1 mile away from church when we heard a loud CLUNK and then a scraping sound. We knew exactly what it was because this happened a few months ago..it was the sound of the tail pipe falling off. I think the words out of my mouth were, "Oh great". We were so late, and James was in the back screaming because he was cold (I forgot his mittens). I just wanted to get to church. We pulled over and Bill hopped out to try and reattach it like the last time this happened. I figured we would be another 10 minutes...I SO wish that had been the case. It was a whopping 3 degrees out and after about 10 minutes (and no heat) all the kids were crying that they were cold. After Bill and I worked together (on the cold ground) and could NOT get the car back together, we decided that we needed to call for help. I reached in my coat for my cell. The only problem was, it wasn't there...and Bill had forgotten his phone. The only option at that point was for Bill to walk the rest of the way to church and get help. I grabbed the propane heater we have in the trunk and began to go from on side of the car to the other holding the heater by the kids to keep them warm. I a very thankful for that heater, although I did manage to burn a hole into my nice primaloft gloves...doh!

What should have only taken only a few minutes outside turned into us being on the side of the road for an hour. (About 20 cars drove by during this time, and no one offered to help me and the kids.) If only I had remembered my phone and if only I had made sure that everyone had hats and gloves on, and maybe if Anna had a winter coat, she at least wouldn't have been so cold. Thankfully my sister in law was able to come and take 3 of the kids back to Bill's parent's house so they could get warm. I stayed in the car with Claire (who was the most bundled and warm) and waited another 15 minutes for my ride to Bill's parents. I sat there and cried. And prayed. And asked God to please help because I just don't feel like I can take any more. I know it could be worse, but right then I felt at a breaking point. There were no great revelations in that moment. No warm fuzzy feelings. Just silence. But I know God heard and that He loves me.

I don't think I have ever been so thankful for a cup of hot apple cider, a warm house and a huge hug (from my mother in law) as I was this morning. :)

After all arriving safely at Bill's parents, Bill and his dad left to go to the hardware store and to go try and rig the car so we could just get it home. I had panned to go shopping this afternoon for a winter coat for Anna. But seeing we no longer have a working vehicle I wasn't sure how that would work out. Tara (my sister in law) offered to let me borrow her car. I took Anna and left all the other kids in the care of my sweet mother and sister in law. I decided to first stop at home and grab my cell phone because, well...I don't want to make that mistake again. :) When I stepped into our house I noticed that there was a light on in the other room. "That's strange" I thought. I called out, "hello, is someone here?" There was no response but I heard walking around in the basement. I knew at that moment that someone had entered the house. I have never felt more terrified then I did in that moment. I turned and ran out the door, jumped in the car and threw it in reverse, planning to drive the 2 miles back to Bill's parents to call the police. As I reached the end of the driveway I see someone come around the corner out of the house. My heart pounding, and shaking, I realized that it was Bill. He ran over to the car and I burst into a fit of tears and laughter all at once. Bill's dad had dropped him off so he could change his clothes (meanwhile my father in law ran to get hot coffee for them before they headed to the store). Thankfully Bill came running out to catch me...I was about to call the cops on him. Oy! My head was just pounding at that moment.

There were a few other mishaps throughout the day (things like almost being hit by another car in Kohls parking lot, Claire choking on a cracker and me having to give her the Heimlich to dislodge it...just stuff like that.) that just added up to be one of the worst days we have had in a long time. I am not trying to complain, it was just so crummy. I am so ready to end this day and crawl into bed...so I am off to do that now. :)

Please if you took the time to read this, keep us in your prayers. I really feel at my breaking point. I don't know how much more I can take. There are things I have not mentioned here that are going on that are not good. I know that everything will work out, but tonight I am discouraged. There are a few bright spots in all of this, we have each other, the hard times have definitely pulled Bill and I closer to one another. We have supportive friends and family. God continues to provide for us in amazing ways. I know He will see us through all of this, but right now I am having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thankfully tomorrow is a new day! :)

Thank you friends for loving us and taking the time to read this and pray. It means more to me then I could ever say.