Renewed

*If you are from my moms group back home this post has some of the stuff that I shared in my letter to you all. Just an FYI if you were wondering why it sounded familiar :)

Since being here I feel like I could fill chapters on what I am learning, and the funny things is it has nothing to do with our classes. Just lessons from our every day life, and not exactly what I expected to learn either.

Before we moved out here I was asked, "what is one thing you are looking forward to about missions training." I honestly had no answer, and admitted it. There was absolutely nothing I was looking forward to. I was not dragging my feet about coming here. I knew that this was what God wanted for our family. However that knowledge did not make leaving any easier. I had no desire to be here. I wanted to stay in our comfortable (in my opinion) little life and continue to raise our family in WI. Dealing with the major change that God was doing in our family was hard to adjust to.

I know I carried that attitude of not wanting to be here with me when we arrived. So at the first sign of struggle I wanted to run back home. What in the world was God thinking bringing us to the middle of nowhere? One thing that I was totally unprepared for was the amount of sickness that we would face in our family. I expected some amount of sickies but just not to that degree. For the first 6 weeks I think, it was a constant battle with one sickness after another. Right away when classes started we were also hit with tons of homework. So add being really sick to tons of homework, plus trying to make all our meals from scratch, dishes, laundry, Playing catch up to classes I missed due to sickness, Oh and not to mention feeling really homesick on top of it. You get the picture.

One evening when Bill was gone at his outreach I had a break down. The kids had been particularity naughty that night so I was very worn out The house was a mess and I had a high fever. I set to cleaning up the kitchen after the kids were in bed. I began to have a little chat with God. I told Him that I couldn't do this anymore. He was asking too much of me. I had nothing left to give. His response to me was gentle , as it often is. The verse "I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from?" came to me. I immediately stopped what I was doing and went for my Bible. I looked up the verse and found the rest. "My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." I suddenly realized what the Lord was doing in and through all of this. He was stripping me. Stripping me of every comfort and my health. He intentions were loving. He was not trying to make my life miserable. He was reaching out to me so that I would stand before Him broken. I needed to see where my gaze should be. Not on temporary discomforts. Not on how much I missed my dishwasher and my friends back home, but on Him. I was right I couldn't possibly go on one more minute...because my eyes were not fixed on Him. He needed to be my strength because mine was all gone. I wept before the Lord that night. It was a real turning point for me. I knew in that moment that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. How could I possibly question what God was doing. He was reaching out to me to come to Him. What a truly amazing God we serve!

On thing I struggle with is finding time to be with the Lord. I know ironic, right? I'm in missionary training after all. Isn't being in God's Word what we do all the time here? Um, not exactly. It is my desire but I fail miserably. I have had to ask the Lord to help me with something as simple as spending time with Him. If I could encourage you all in one area it would be to not forget your first love. Don't forget the one who has called you as His own like I did (and still sometimes do). We are all busy moms, we are pulled in so many directions that we can't think straight. But I know when I do take the time to sit at His feet, to pour my heart out to Him I am refreshed, I am renewed. He is all I need. He reminds me daily of my need for Him, and I am thankful for it...even though it hurts at times.

I recently came across a quote from Sally Clarkson that really spoke to where I am at.

Did you know that the Greek word for “renew” means to make something new in the midst of other things? It doesn’t mean to start over, but to keep going, only with a newness of purpose. It means to add newness to what is already there.

I love that. I don't need to wallow in my mistakes. I don't have to start over. I just pick up where I left off with a renewed purpose. I love that God allows us to learn from our mistakes, from wrong attitudes and that no experience in life is wasted, because He is in the midst of it! I praise God for breathing joy into my heart.

"but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Is 40:31

I pray friends that we can find renewed strength in every moment, especially when things get hard. That we can turn your eyes upward and see that He is there and He is working something beautiful in our lives.