In the rain

*I have been going through something personal lately. And although I don't want to share the details I still wanted to write the process. Even though this journey isn't always pretty I still want to be able to look back and remember the things that the Lord has taught me.

The rain began to fall ever so slowly and softly. I never saw that behind the clouds lurked a full fledged storm until it was upon us. It caught me off guard. My world was rocked in a single second. Suddenly the things that seemed so clear before become muddied. What happened and where did I go wrong?

I prayed
I pleaded
I asked for wisdom.

but only the sound of the wind and and rain answered back.

Where was God in the midst of this storm?

Sometimes His quietness is deafening.

I covered my ears straining to hear His voice above the noise outside. "God can you hear me?"

The wind howled louder. The storm raged on and darkness and discouragement threatened to overtake. I gave in to the the thoughts and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Hope began to fade. I clung to the confusion that seemed to be the only firm thing.

The wind shifted ever so slowly.

"Let go." A voice so quiet it pierced through the silence and penetrated my heart.

I knew it was Him.

"Let go of what Lord?"

"Everything!"

"I don't understand."

"Offer yourself as a living sacrifice to Me."

"But God, what does that mean."

"Come to me empty and broken. I will change you and empower you. But I want you to know that it may not look the way you think it should. The journey may be filled with pain and seem confusing at times. There are going to be some steep mountains to climb but trust Me. I know what I am doing."

Slowly my clenched hands began to loosen.

"God show me the way, because I can't seem to find it."

"Let go of the things you hold on to and take My hand."

I reached out and was comforted by His presence.

Over and over like a broken record...the theme of my life seems to be that His ways are not my own. I cannot possibly understand the way in which He works. But in the midst of the storm I am finding that I can still trust Him. He is still good even if everything in the world around me is dark. I had to come to a place of brokenness and ask myself, "Is my hope in Him or is it in the plans I think He has for me?" I am shaken to the core at the very thought.

So I let go and stand here empty. My life is His to do what He wants with. Even if that means failure in the eyes of men. Even if it means things not looking the way I think they should. Even if it doesn't make sense. I still trust Him. God is not the author of confusion. Even if things feel they are falling apart He is in the midst. He is the one who can calm the storm. All I have to do is let go and step out of the boat and walk towards Him.

My perspective has shifted as I turn my eyes to Him. Although it hurts at times I am thankful for this place...the place where He can meet me in the darkness and gently guide me to higher places. I want to be refined and to look more like His Son and if this is His way of getting me there...

I will praise Him in the rain.

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Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son... He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process. ~ Elisabeth Elliot