Grace-Full or Graceless Mom?

I have been thinking a lot about grace....God's grace and how it is portrayed in my life. Am I a grace filled or a graceless mom?

Over the years I have tried so hard to obtain "Supermom" status. Not so much for the appearance or what others think of me (although sadly sometimes that matters to) but for myself. I really do want to be her...the wife who always looks beautiful for her husband. Always has a kind word and just knows the right thing to say in every situation. I want to be the best mom. I want to have the clean house. I want to feed my family yummy healthy meals. I want my children to arise and call me blessed as Proverb 31 says. I don't know if it's my pride that has pushed me to want to be this way. In my mind I have gotten so caught up in thinking, "I can do it...I should be able to do." But then I look around the house and see 4 baskets of laundry that have been sitting there for 2 days now, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a kitchen floor that any dog would love to dine on. (Honestly I did just run the dishwasher, and I just swept. But you would never know.) And to top it off, my five year old says to me, "Mom, this house looks really horrible." GULP! What am I doing wrong? I am trying so hard...why can't I seem to reach my goal. It always seems just out of my reach. Other moms seem to be able to pull it off but not me.

I am sharing this with you not to complain (and quite honestly it is humbling) but to tell you what God has been teaching me. He has chosen to point out to me some of my weakness and areas of sin. The fact is, it doesn't really have anything to do with how clean or messy my house is...but about my heart. Although my house and maybe my life could definitely use more organization (and there are practical ways to do that) I think God is more concerned about my heart condition. No offence but whoever coined the phrase "Cleanliness is next to godliness" would get a strong argument from me.

In all my efforts to become "supermom" or the "phantom Perfect Wife" I have lost sight of a few things. First of all I have robbed myself of joy. Trying hard to get everything right is exhausting and leaves little time to enjoy anything. Obviously there needs to be balance. When I am obsessed with having everything perfect I am definitely not always kind to my family. I tend to loose sight of the important things. I am not taking joy in my kids and seeing them as a blessing when I am yelling at them because I just cleaned the kitchen and they are making crumbs. Basically, getting upset about spilt milk. I am harsh to my kids and unloving to my husband. I try hard to be a perfect mom and wife, fail because I am trying so hard and not relying on God, and then I'm mean because I feel bad that I have failed. Wow...that sounds so bad putting it on paper! I guess the truth isn't always pretty! :)

The second thing is, I am not living out God's grace or living in God's grace when I am trying to be "supermom". I woke up one morning and heard Anna yelling at the top of her lungs at Ryan. I felt absolutely crushed. I felt like,"this is all my fault." I have been living such a graceless life before my children. Anna is getting her behavior from me. I felt my heart brake. In my quest for whatever kind of status I was trying to achieve I think I forgot that little eyes were watching. Again I felt the blow of failure at this realization...my children are ruined (I realize I am at times a bit dramatic but this is how I think). But then God begin began to speak to my heart and remind me that His grace covers it all. He is a forgiving God slow to anger. I have all this head knowledge of grace, but so little of it is applied.

I have been reading through "Tender Mercy For a Mother's Soul" and I think the Author puts it so perfectly:
"Now matter what your feelings of worth before the Father, He loves you now and forever. Grace is the forgiving, redeeming, and pursuing love of God for us. Grace has nothing to do with the things you do or who you are on this earth. The extravagant gift of God's grace comes to us only because we belong to God. That is what is so extravagant; we cannot earn it, and yet we so desperately need it. We cannot make God give us more, because He freely gives us all. We cannot fall beyond the reach of God's grace, and we cannot grow past our profound need. We cannot understand the mind of God, so we do not completely comprehend a love that is without boundary or limit. We are awed to know that we can turn away or run away, but God is always and eternally, still in love with us. Because of His mercy, we have the privilege of living in the abundance of grace. Some people spend their whole lives striving and searching. Others accumulate accolades and things. But we are most blessed, because the divine grace of God has come to us. He is here and by His grace, we can rest. He is here and by His grace, we can live, He is here and by His grace, we are free."

There is freedom in grace for a wanna be supermom like me.

Psalm 103: 8-14 says,The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Angel Thomas quoted Psalm 103 in her book (tender mercy). I LOVE this!! God remembers that we are dust. God knows our limitations. God knows that I cannot do it all. He wants me to see that I cannot be perfect. He wants me to remember that I NEED Him. He has removed my transgressions, I am His accepted beloved child. When I think about this I feel a huge weight being lifted. The burden of trying to be is much to heavy. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

So What should grace look like in my life? Well, first I have to realize that my expectations are to high; STOP trying so hard; realize that God accepts me with all my imperfections; rest in Him.

When my children look back and remember me I want it to be a memory of a grace filled mom. I want them to remember that I stopped to kiss their "owies". That I was there for a word of encouragement. That I took joy in them and saw them as true blessings from God. I want them to see Christ in me.

I know there must be other moms out there who struggle with this same thing. I hope you find encouragement and that you can find freedom from trying. This is something I still struggle with, but I am a work in progress. I am excited for God to teach me because I know there is so much more to learn.

A little dirt on my floor doesn't sound so bad tonight.

A gift from Heaven

Well...I don't know if it was really a gift from Heaven but I would say that God definitely blessed me with something so simple yesterday.

I took Anna and Ryan to their "shake your sillies out" class at the YMCA yesterday. The kids always run ahead of me to see who can get to the door first. I noticed something by Ryan's foot when I caught up to them. It looked like a piece of garbage blowing in the wind. I bent down to grab it and it turned out to be a $5 bill! There was no one around to ask if it belonged to them so I kept it. (I felt that was an ok thing to do) I put it in my pocket and didn't think any more about it.

Later that afternoon I put all three of my kiddos down for a nap. We had had some behaviour issues and I was feeling a little discouraged. I decided that we all needed a little brake! I laid down to rest and pray. When I had finished pouring out my heart before the Lord I felt like I should call Lucy (my dear friend and mentor). I told her all of my "sorrows" (ok, ok, I know they seem really small in compression to all the suffering that others are going through but it was my pain for the moment.). She asked me if I could "run away" for a little bit and meet her for coffee. Bill had just gotten home for the day so he agreed to hold down the fort while I went out. I didn't have to go far because we live right next to a coffee shop! :)

This is where the $5 bill that I had found comes into play! I had a wonderfully refreshing time with Lucy. What an encouragement the Lord provided for the next half hour as we visited. There is something so valuable about a friend who at the moment you need is able to pick up and meet you where you are. Not just physically but spiritually as well.

I am amazed how God provided for me. He provided the money for the coffee and the time and availability of a friend!

Oh God,
thank you for how you have blessed me! Your love amazes me. You lavish me with Your grace that I totally don't deserve. In all my selfishness and sin you still reach out to me and provide exactly what I need at that exact moment. Thank you for the gift of friendship and for godly woman that you have allowed to come alongside and encourage me in this race of life. Thank you also for times of loneliness (even though this was not one of those moments) that you use to draw me closer to you. Thank you God for being my Jehovah-jireh. Thank you for being the one who sustains me. Thank you God for caring about all the "little things"; for loving me more than a sparrow. I praise you God for your faithfulness!
Amen.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows" Matt. 10:29-31

Our Love Story

This is an article that I wrote for HopeChest magazine about 6 years ago. I thought it would be fun to share Bill and my story today. It is kind of long. Also, if you read to the end things didn't pan out exactly the way Bill and I planned. We did not end up going to the New Tribes Mission Institute...but I'll save that story for another day!

I sat waiting in a room all alone. Nervousness started to set in. I looked at my watch, it would be time to leave soon, and my father would be coming for me. I stood up and looked into the mirror one last time; making sure that every piece of hair was in its place and every flower was arranged snugly in my bouquet. I took a deep breath. I couldn't believe that today was the day that I had dreamed about since the time I was a little girl. Thoughts flashed through my mind. It hardly seemed possible that God had brought us to this point in our lives.

Bill and I met in October 1998, but our story really begins several months before that, in June of 1998. That was the summer I went overseas to Papua New Guinea. I had no idea what God had in store to teach me that summer, but it was definitely not what I was expecting.

Up to that point in my life I had really struggled with being single. I had always desired to be married and have a family; but I wondered and began to doubt that that would ever happen. Instead of accepting that the Lord might have for me to be single I was very anxious about it.

I can't really explain what happened to me that summer, but all I know is that God changed my heart. I learned so much being overseas. We had Bible classes every day, and one of the things I was learning about was God's will. I knew for sure that God was calling me into missions-- to spread His Word to a dying World; but I had never really wanted to go to the field alone…single! As if that was some sort of curse. But…throughout those six weeks God began to speak ever so quietly to my heart.

"What if it's not my will for you to marry? Will you still serve me where I have called you." I wanted to argue and ask Him how I could go "alone". But then He reminded me that I would not really be alone…"aren't I enough for you, why do you need a husband?"

Over time I realized my foolishness. Christ was my sufficiency. I did not need any person to make me complete. I am complete in Christ. Singleness is not something to be held in contempt…it is a gift! J As soon as I could realize this I felt so at peace. It wasn't that my desire to be married was gone it was just that I had learned to accept what God had for me at the moment, and that was to be single.

I went back to school that fall with a whole new perspective. I was so much happier than I had ever been. I was content. And then…I met Bill. When I first met him I didn't really like him(that sounds awful, I didn't totally dislike him, I just never would have imagined us together). He had what I thought were strange ideas about the Bible and was shy and stayed pretty much to himself. The only reason we really talked was because I had my work detail (each student in the school is assigned a job, which helps to keep the school's costs low) across from his dorm room. Sometimes he would pop out and say hi to me, even though he didn't know my name. Finally one day we were properly introduced. We got to know each other a little more. We had some of the same friends so sometimes were involved in the same group activities. I thought Bill was one of the funniest guys I had met. I could tell that he was very sweet and compassionate. I wrote home to my sister and told her about him, saying that there was just something "different" about him. I just had a strange feeling about him. I had no idea what it was though, because I just thought of him like I did every other guy at school…a friend.

The more time I spent with Bill around my other friends, I realized that my first impressions of him were wrong. The more I got to know him the more I began to like him. My feelings began to deepen. I suddenly realized that I no longer viewed him as I did anyone else. I was so angry! I was angry at God. How could He do this to me? I didn't want this in my life. I didn't want to like a guy. I had that happen in the past and it only lead to nothing other than a broken heart. I poured out my concern to the Lord and asked Him to take away my feelings. It wasn't as if I had spent much if any time alone with Bill…why was I feeling this way. God whispered back to my cries, "Trust me." But I just couldn't do that. I had planned my future. I was going to graduate from New Tribes, and go on with the mission. I wasn't going to get involved with a man. (Sounds absurd…I know!) NOTHING could get in the way of "my" plans. The lord persisted to whisper, "Trust me." Even though I wold not listen.
Through my studies in school, God brought several passages to my mind. That began to bring me to my knee: Prov. 16:9 "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." The one that hit me the hardest though was, James 4:14,15 "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

It was such a struggle to surrender but finally I said, "Whatever you want Lord." I saw the error in my way in how I was trying to do my own thing and not considering what the Lord wanted. I didn't really understand how Bill fit into any of this, but I knew that somehow he did. I also didn't totally understand my feelings for him but for the moment I accepted it. God laid it on my heart to pray for him. So I did.

Through the next couple of months, Bill and I became much better friends. Although we had nothing in common, except for our love for Christ, we found things to talk about. We did a lot of group things. On weekends I always arranged activities. Sometimes we would go to one of the parks in Jackson and play games or simply just sit around and discuss the Bible.

May rolled around and soon it was almost graduation day. Bill told me that he had decided that he wasn't going to stick around for my grad. He really wanted to get home. I was so disappointed. My friends tried to convince him to stay…after all we were friends; didn't he want to see me graduate? But, nothing could persuade him to stay. Although I was hurt I knew that it would be alright.

That last week of school Bill spent a lot of time talking to me. We didn't usually spend one on one time, but this week we did. I didn't know it at the time, but God had begun to work in Bill's heart about me. I already liked him as more than a friend, but was continually having to look to the Lord to make me content with just being Bill's friend. I didn't have any hope that it would ever be anything more.
Bill left for Wisconsin the day before graduation. We exchanged addresses and e-mail, promising to keep in touch. And then he was gone. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. I cried…and prayed. It was in God's hands now. I knew that it was too impossible for anything to happen now.

I moved back home to PA with my family. I didn't know what God wanted to do. I lived there for about a month, praying about what God would have me to do. Then the door opened up for me to go and work at a camp in Donnelly ID. Of all places! I accepted the job and flew out there to live for the summer.
I felt like I was all the way on the other side of the world. I was terribly lonely. I missed my friends in school, I missed my family…and I missed Bill. Bill and I kept in touch over e-mail just about daily at this point. I looked forward everyday to receiving his letters. Occasionally he would even call me and we would chat. Our friendship was growing. But, even though we had a lot of contact with each other, I didn't think that we would actually ever get to see each other again. But…sometimes God has a way of changing things.

On Wednesday July 21, 1999 I received this e-mail from Bill. I knew something was wrong when I started to read,
"Hey, Sorry I didn't write at all yesterday. I had a busy day… Anyway, this is not your basic everyday e-mail that I am writing. Of course, the thing that I am writing about is not your everyday event either. This is more of an informational letter than anything. And no I'm not sarcastic in any of this J I never wanted to write a letter like this, and I never thought I would be. But it hit pretty hard when I had to think about telling people.

This is extremely tough for me to talk about and I have been going through a lot the past couple of days. This may shock you (well actually I think it will. It shocked me J) I'm not going to beat around the bush or anything so here goes. I have cancer …I have to have surgery on Friday. Chemo therapy is not an option. This is the only sure method. Believe me, if there was an alternate way, I would do it. But I got 2 doctors opinions, each in separate buildings and separate cities and both said that same thing. They are good doctors too. Boy, when I heard that today I went into shock. Well actually when the Doctor was explaining that I had cancer I started going into shock. Then when he asked if I wanted him to call someone for me, that’s when it hit me. Total shock. I couldn't think at all. I just sat there for like 10 seconds just blank. I told him 'yeah, yeah I can call my mom. Hey is it alright that I call her?' I never did. He didn't either. I didn't want her to worry at work I guess. Anyway, I guess I'm in denial right now. But I'll tell you what, after the surgery it will be quite real to me.

They say that I caught it early enough that I don't have to worry about it spreading to my lymph nodes (that’s when you have to worry about dying). That’s what will occur if I leave it in there. Also they say that I will be fine as far as fertility and fathering children…

I guess my family is taking it alright. I really hope they aren't worrying too much about me. And you either. I'll be fine. Surgery and then it's done. Sure there is a possibility that it could spread, but highly unlikely. It's in the early stages…
Sorry to send you a letter like this, honestly. But I had to tell you sometime. I hope you don't get all worried and all or discouraged. I just hope I didn't ruin your day.
You're in my prayers,
Bill"

As soon as I read the words cancer my heart stopped and I began to cry. "God, please don't take my best friend away." I whispered. I was hysterical…in shock…I didn't know what to do. I called my dad that night and we prayed. He gave me permission to call Bill the next day.

After I talked to Bill the next day I felt a little better. I told him that I would be praying for him. He was glad to know that. Plans changed a little and Bill ended up going into surgery on Monday morning instead of Friday. I went to the Lord anxiously and prayed. Bill had promised that he would write when he was out of surgery. That evening I got his letter. The surgery had been successful. The Doctors thought that they had removed all of the cancer. I praised God.

While all of this was happening, God was doing a work in Bill's heart…totally unknown to me. A few days after the surgery, he called. He said that he had something he needed to get off his mind. He said that it was way overdue and that he should have said it a long time ago. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I kept listening. Bill went on to explain that he really enjoyed my friendship, but that he wanted to see it become something more than friendship. He wanted a deeper relationship. Basically what he was saying was that he wanted to see if we would be compatible for marriage.

After that things moved pretty fast. Bill talked to his parents and his parents talked to my dad. They decided that it would be alright for me to fly out there and visit with his family for a week. They also felt that it would be helpful in the healing process for Bill. It looked possible for a second surgery. Doctors were concerned that they needed to go in and look at his lymph nodes.

The week I spent with his family was really good. I fell in love with his family. They were so much fun. It was just a really good time of getting to know each other better. I went with Bill and his parents to the Doctor at the end of the week. The Doctor recommended that Bill not have another surgery. He said it didn't seem necessary to him. They just wanted to monitor him every month with blood work, and CAT scans every six months. That was good news. The bad news was that the Doctor didn't think that Bill should return to school that fall. Bill and I were both disappointed about that.

Over the next 3 months Bill and I continued to e-mail everyday and call each other every couple of days. We visited back and forth a few times. In November I flew out to be with his family for Thanksgiving. (I was living in MI at this point). 2 days after I go there, November 20th something unexpected happened.
We were in the living room that evening just talking when Bill excused himself to the restroom. I sat there for a long time. I was a little suspicious at what was taking so long but didn't really think anything of it. I could hear him walking around and then running water and then walking around again. Finally he came in back in the room. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him place something on the floor. He knelt down in front of where I was sitting.

"Can I wash your feet." I pulled of my socks and shoes. Bill quietly washed my feet in a small basin. I sat there in amazement.

"The reason I am washing your feet is to symbolize how Christ washed his disciples feet. In order to be a leader you have to be a servant. I want to be the leader in your life. I want to serve God with you the rest of my life. Elizabeth, I love you so much…so much that I would die for you. Will you marry me?"
"Yes!" I replied, as he placed a beautiful ring in my hand. I was happy but also in shock. I had no idea it was coming. He had talked to my dad and his parents already. Everyone knew but me! :)

Seven months later on June 3, 2000 we were married. What an exciting day that was. I could see God's hand on our marriage and see how much He had blessed us.
The past couple years of my life have been such a journey. God has brought me through a lot of different things. I loved being single and serving God, and now I love being married and serving God with my husband. In each phase of my life Christ has taught me the need to be content in whatever my situation. I had to learn to be content being single. And now I'm learning what it means to be content in marriage. God is awesome. It's neat to see how He guides our lives step but step. All I have to do is Trust Him.

I have so much to be thankful for. Bill's cancer to this day still remains to be gone. We praise God for that. We have a place to live; we have everything we need. I also have so much to look forward to. Our plans are to finish here at Bible school (This is Bill's last semester, because of the cancer he had to take a semester off.) and Move to WI in December where his family is. In May we are expecting our first child. In August we are praying to go to the Missions Institute in Jersey Shore PA. And then, God willing, we would like to go to Papua New Guinea and serve God there in a tribe. We are excited about what he has for us, knowing that He will be there every step of the way to guide us.

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:19)

"Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Eph 3:20-21)

A Mother's Prayer

O Father,
Holiness seems so far from me, and yet it is truly the desire of my heart. I long for intimacy. I long to know you. I want my whole life to reflect Your Presence and Your power. I want to live astounded by your grace and Your glory.

And yet, God, it's just me. Fragile and sinful me. Come and make me yours. Heal my wounds. Forgive my old sins, again. Give new words to my prayers. Restore my yearning for truth. Feed me with your insight and wisdom. Cover me with Your lavish love.

I want these children to live in the blessing of a spiritually healthy woman. Let me be that woman. Remove the distractions that keep me from godliness. Step into the blur of my life rushing by an speak stillness into my days. Hold me close and care for my soul.
In these years of mothering, let me choose to surrender the place of my soul for your safekeeping. Whisper to my heart and give direction to my steps. Shout to me from Your vastness and add wisdom to my words. Let me love and celebrate life from the full cup of Your grace and peace.

Thank You, my Savior, my Keeper, my Friend, for the tender mercy that comes and fills my soul.In the precious name of Jesus, amen.
(from the book "Tender Mercy by Angela Thomas)

My baby

I Love my little messy face James!

I can't believe he will be a year old in 6 weeks

My own little corner

I wanted to start a page for me. We have one about our family but I wanted one where I could jot my random thoughts! I wanted a place where I can express what the Lord is teaching me personally. This is going to be fun! :)