Grace-Full or Graceless Mom?

I have been thinking a lot about grace....God's grace and how it is portrayed in my life. Am I a grace filled or a graceless mom?

Over the years I have tried so hard to obtain "Supermom" status. Not so much for the appearance or what others think of me (although sadly sometimes that matters to) but for myself. I really do want to be her...the wife who always looks beautiful for her husband. Always has a kind word and just knows the right thing to say in every situation. I want to be the best mom. I want to have the clean house. I want to feed my family yummy healthy meals. I want my children to arise and call me blessed as Proverb 31 says. I don't know if it's my pride that has pushed me to want to be this way. In my mind I have gotten so caught up in thinking, "I can do it...I should be able to do." But then I look around the house and see 4 baskets of laundry that have been sitting there for 2 days now, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a kitchen floor that any dog would love to dine on. (Honestly I did just run the dishwasher, and I just swept. But you would never know.) And to top it off, my five year old says to me, "Mom, this house looks really horrible." GULP! What am I doing wrong? I am trying so hard...why can't I seem to reach my goal. It always seems just out of my reach. Other moms seem to be able to pull it off but not me.

I am sharing this with you not to complain (and quite honestly it is humbling) but to tell you what God has been teaching me. He has chosen to point out to me some of my weakness and areas of sin. The fact is, it doesn't really have anything to do with how clean or messy my house is...but about my heart. Although my house and maybe my life could definitely use more organization (and there are practical ways to do that) I think God is more concerned about my heart condition. No offence but whoever coined the phrase "Cleanliness is next to godliness" would get a strong argument from me.

In all my efforts to become "supermom" or the "phantom Perfect Wife" I have lost sight of a few things. First of all I have robbed myself of joy. Trying hard to get everything right is exhausting and leaves little time to enjoy anything. Obviously there needs to be balance. When I am obsessed with having everything perfect I am definitely not always kind to my family. I tend to loose sight of the important things. I am not taking joy in my kids and seeing them as a blessing when I am yelling at them because I just cleaned the kitchen and they are making crumbs. Basically, getting upset about spilt milk. I am harsh to my kids and unloving to my husband. I try hard to be a perfect mom and wife, fail because I am trying so hard and not relying on God, and then I'm mean because I feel bad that I have failed. Wow...that sounds so bad putting it on paper! I guess the truth isn't always pretty! :)

The second thing is, I am not living out God's grace or living in God's grace when I am trying to be "supermom". I woke up one morning and heard Anna yelling at the top of her lungs at Ryan. I felt absolutely crushed. I felt like,"this is all my fault." I have been living such a graceless life before my children. Anna is getting her behavior from me. I felt my heart brake. In my quest for whatever kind of status I was trying to achieve I think I forgot that little eyes were watching. Again I felt the blow of failure at this realization...my children are ruined (I realize I am at times a bit dramatic but this is how I think). But then God begin began to speak to my heart and remind me that His grace covers it all. He is a forgiving God slow to anger. I have all this head knowledge of grace, but so little of it is applied.

I have been reading through "Tender Mercy For a Mother's Soul" and I think the Author puts it so perfectly:
"Now matter what your feelings of worth before the Father, He loves you now and forever. Grace is the forgiving, redeeming, and pursuing love of God for us. Grace has nothing to do with the things you do or who you are on this earth. The extravagant gift of God's grace comes to us only because we belong to God. That is what is so extravagant; we cannot earn it, and yet we so desperately need it. We cannot make God give us more, because He freely gives us all. We cannot fall beyond the reach of God's grace, and we cannot grow past our profound need. We cannot understand the mind of God, so we do not completely comprehend a love that is without boundary or limit. We are awed to know that we can turn away or run away, but God is always and eternally, still in love with us. Because of His mercy, we have the privilege of living in the abundance of grace. Some people spend their whole lives striving and searching. Others accumulate accolades and things. But we are most blessed, because the divine grace of God has come to us. He is here and by His grace, we can rest. He is here and by His grace, we can live, He is here and by His grace, we are free."

There is freedom in grace for a wanna be supermom like me.

Psalm 103: 8-14 says,The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Angel Thomas quoted Psalm 103 in her book (tender mercy). I LOVE this!! God remembers that we are dust. God knows our limitations. God knows that I cannot do it all. He wants me to see that I cannot be perfect. He wants me to remember that I NEED Him. He has removed my transgressions, I am His accepted beloved child. When I think about this I feel a huge weight being lifted. The burden of trying to be is much to heavy. "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

So What should grace look like in my life? Well, first I have to realize that my expectations are to high; STOP trying so hard; realize that God accepts me with all my imperfections; rest in Him.

When my children look back and remember me I want it to be a memory of a grace filled mom. I want them to remember that I stopped to kiss their "owies". That I was there for a word of encouragement. That I took joy in them and saw them as true blessings from God. I want them to see Christ in me.

I know there must be other moms out there who struggle with this same thing. I hope you find encouragement and that you can find freedom from trying. This is something I still struggle with, but I am a work in progress. I am excited for God to teach me because I know there is so much more to learn.

A little dirt on my floor doesn't sound so bad tonight.