Fear

Sobs overtook my body, leaving me feeling weak. This can't be happening again. I felt frozen with fear. What would I do? What if I lost him? "No God!" I cried. "Why is it returning?" The fear that always haunts me, the thought that lurks in the back of my mind, had made it's awful presence known....CANCER... Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation come over me, my eyes opened, I realized I was enveloped in darkness. I laid there for a second until I realized what was happening and I could collect my thoughts clearly. A sigh of relief washed over"Oh", I breathed. It had only been a dream...thankfully, just a horrible dream....

Shortly before Bill and I started dating he found out he had cancer. It's a long story, and I'm not going to go into all the details of it right now...but suffice it to say that Bill's cancer was removed. He has been cancer free for 9 years now, praise God! When we were first married, I worried all the time that it would return and I would loose him. The fear of loosing him was so real sometimes that I would make myself sick. Thankfully over time, I was able to hand it over to the Lord and entrust Bill's life to Him. I knew that God was in control no matter what!

Last night when I had that dream, all those scary thoughts and feelings came rushing back. They felt so fresh, like I was living it all over again. I realized when I woke that some amount of fear must still lurk in the recess of my mind. It is not something I have thought about in awhile. But I am sure in my subconscious there is a reason I dreamed this.

I have not written about everything that is going on here, simply because I haven't felt like it. But, now I think it's time to share for those who don't already know, and ask for prayer.

Bill found out a few weeks ago that he is being laid off. It came as a surprise, even though I guess it shouldn't have. Bill had been given an 18 month contract with SC Johnson. Being that it's contract work, you shouldn't be too surprised if they end your contract sooner. We are blessed that Bill was able to work there for the 7 months that he has. Anyway, they are laying him off (due to budget cuts) at the end of April. I have felt really at peace the last few weeks. We have walked this road before, and each time we have seen God provide for our every need. I am sure that this time will be no different.

Bill has been applying for computer programing jobs all over the country. Last summer when he did that, I felt so sick. I could not fathom leaving behind our church and friends, and everything that we love here. I think God was so gracious in allowing us more time here. He allowed us to grow closer as a couple, experience my pregnancy and the birth of Claire, all the while being surrounded by people who love and support us. The past year has been such a blessing.

This time around, I am starting to feel as though maybe God has something else in mind for our family. I do NOT WANT to move, but I feel at peace about it. I know that is from God. I feel like it is ok, we will be ok. I don't know if that makes sense. I just don't know that God has it in His plan for us to stay here. These are only feelings, they do not mean anything. I think the real heart of the matter is that God wants me to be WILLING to move. I want to be a helpmate and support to my husband, and I realize that it may require sacrifice...it seems that sacrifice is always required with obedience. I feel as though my heart is more prepared this time. I am more prepared to pack everything up and move to "a foreign land" with my husband.

You may be wondering what all of this has to do with the fear that I talked about at the beginning of this post. Tonight Bill and I had a long talk. There is a possible job opportunity. It is pretty far from here...in Arizona. When Bill first told me, I thought "Ok Lord, if this is what You want, I will go." This may not be the job or place for us, but I am willing to go wherever the Lord leads us. Well, tonight Bill informed (he had already explained this to me, but I guess I didn't fully understand) what it would cost to support 2 households. Huh? I was confused at first, but the reality hit me like a brick. It is a temp job, and it really wouldn't be wise to move our family across the country for a temp job. Being that Bill is newly out of collage and doesn't have much experience there really aren't a lot of options for him. If Bill gets this job, it would not be "us" moving, it would only be him. We would stay behind while Bill works 6 months to a year or whatever. He would travel home now and then to be with us.

When he explained this, and I fully understood what this meant, my heart sank. This was NOT the sacrifice I agreed to. I agreed to follow Bill wherever God lead, not be left behind. This is too much for my heart to take. My mind flooded with anxiety and filled with doubt. I can't parent our children alone. How will I ever get groceries? How will I get to church without Bill's help? Who will wrestle with the boys every night after supper? My heart began to hurt for all the possible things that Bill would miss out on...all of Claire's firsts. Tucking the kids in at night. Missing all the cute and funny things they say. Teaching them God's Word. And then my mind turned to, thoughts of us as a couple. Bill is my best friend. I miss him while he is away at work. Sometimes the days seem so long. I look forward to the moment he walks in the door from work. Who will I laugh with if he is gone? Who will tell me that everything will be ok? Who will support and love me when I need it? I could not stop the tears from coming last night or right now.

The fear is different then when he had cancer. But it feels every bit as real. I am afraid of loosing him...not to death...but of him having to move (for a short time) without us. Everything is so up in the air right now. He has an interview this week. They have expressed interest in him. This does not mean that he will go. There are a lot of factors that need to come into play.

Please, if you have any judgments of this situation, do NOT tell them to me. I am sharing my heart to let you all know what is going on with us. I need support and encouragemnt, not judgment! We could just really use prayer right now. I need prayer that I would not fear the unknown, that we would have wisdom to do what is best for our family, and that I would be willing and obedient to do whatever God calls us to.