Labor Pains part 1

I have so much on my heart right now. I don't even know how to explain it. I feel heavy but light...sadness but full of joy all at the same time.

The Lord is doing something in my life right now...some of which hurts. Of course sacrifice always comes with pain...but joy usually follows. It's like giving birth...it sure is painful to go through at the moment, but as soon as that new life comes forth, an overwhelming joy washes over. The joy ultimately supersedes and is even more powerful than pain...and, you are left with something beautiful which was worth all the pain or sadness in the world.

I knew from the time I placed my faith in Christ at a young age, that He wanted me and was going to use me. Not because I was anything special, but because I was His child and I knew that was what He wanted for me. I felt called to missions and wanted to spread the good news to a dying world.

So many of my life decisions were based on that fact. After High school I went to New Tribes Bible Institute. I went on a short term missions trip to PNG. I met, fell in love with and married a man who had the same passion I did. We moved back to WI to get involved in the Church Bill had grown up in so they could be our sending church. We filled out all our paper work and were penciled in to go to the New Tribes Missions Institute in PA. Then we had our meeting with our pastors. We were given the news that they were not going to send us. After much prayer they felt that it wasn't the right time for us to go. They wanted us to get more involved in our church before we went on. (We had been living here for about 6 months at that point).

Bill and I felt the blow. I think we both felt shocked and a little dizzy...we never saw that coming. We both loved and respected our pastors so much and trusted that the Lord, for whatever reason had led them to this decision. Honestly it didn't make much sense to us, but we trusted them and the Lord's leading.

After about a year and half had gone by and we were involved heavily in the church...we came to a crossroads. Our church still had not decided to send us on. Bill was having trouble keeping a job without having any degree (other than a Bible degree). We prayed about it, not knowing if God was ever going to let us go. We came to the decision that Bill needed to go back to school. We were unprepared to have a back up plan, but it appeared that now one was needed.

This was a hard decision for both of us to make. That meant even if the Lord lead us back to overseas missions, it was going to be a very long time before that ever happened. It also meant that quite possibly we would never go.

My heart broke. Was the Lord really asking us to lay aside our dreams of how we thought we were to serve Him...and just trust Him? We had peace about Bill going back to school.

4 1/2 years later....brings us to the present. Bill now has his degree under his belt after many years of hard work. Now we are just waiting and wondering at what God wants for us....wondering at what God has in store for our family.

I have been reading Francine River's, "As Sure As The Dawn". Her books are so great and always make me think. One thing I read the other day really made me catch my breath,

"More often than not, I take my salvation for granted. I fill my mind with unimportant things...Oh, that God would put it in my head and heart what he has done for me every morning as I awaken."
"So be it," Theophilus said, his voice gruff with emotion. How many times had he found himself caught up in the plans for serving the Lord in the future, rather than praising Him now."

It hit me that in the past I spent so much time looking towards the future, and how I was going to serve the Lord then, and not now. Oh, I served the Lord...and for the most part with the right heart and attitude, but I honestly didn't think my life's purpose would be fulfilled until I was overseas serving the Lord. Nothing seemed as important as spreading the Gospel...everything else just paled in comparison.

I am just beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe the Lord has used me, even if it has been in a small way, to impact eternity. It certainly has not been in a way that I thought, but I know that God's ways are so different than my own. I am His humble servant and I just long to be open for whatever He wants.

Being open to what He wants is so often hard. Sometimes I feel like He keeps asking my to lay aside what I thought He wanted me to do. Although maybe I try and hold on too tightly to what I forget is not mine. Everything belongs to Him...my kids...my husband...my ministry...my belongings. When He asks me to change direction I know I need to say, "ok Lord. I trust in you." James 4:14-15 "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

I want to praise Him today and forget about tomorrow.

The labor pains are beginning again...I can feel them coming. My soul groans in anticipation... Something beautiful is about to be born.