Emotions

I sit here staring at the screen. I want to write, so many thoughts go through my mind but I'm not sure I can accurately explain the depths of my feelings. I have shared some with friends, but kept most in my heart. Always pondering, pensive at times, wistful at others. Life seems to be full of emotions for me these days. Emotions that at times, I am not sure how to even handle. It comes and goes. Some days are ok but some days are just plain hard. It's like a roller coaster...I knew when we stepped on it that it was going to be full of ups and downs, I just didn't realize how twisted my heart would get in all of it.

I glance at the calender on the wall. It tells me today that we have just a little over 12 weeks before we leave the comfort of our familiar surroundings and head to Missouri. I can't believe it's been six months already since the Lord made it clear that this was to be the path we should follow. 12 weeks isn't a lot of time....

Most days I feel as though my heart is being squeezed until I can barley breathe. I knew it would be hard to leave, but I just didn't know it would hurt this much. Maybe I am just being a bit dramatic but it's how I feel. My eyes brim with tears as I think about leaving those we love for the next 2 years, not knowing when/ if we will get back here over those years to visit. So much is changing. Babies will be born that I will miss. Friendships will be formed that I will miss. Everyday miracles and transformation of the hearts of those we love will take place, and we won't be here. This is the way life works. People move all the time, but I just don't want to miss what I know we will.

I fear being forgotten. I know how life goes. I know people get busy. I know life goes on. It's not that I think I'm so important. It's not that I want friends to sit around and pine for me. Maybe it's all selfish. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me. It's just nice to know that in some way you will be missed.

I want to spend the remaining days we have here enjoying and being around the ones we love...however that doesn't seem to happen much. The summer is a busy time for all, and so I fear that the quality time I desire is already gone. Those days have been spent. Change has begun already, and I don't like it. On the other hand, I don't want to have my eyes so fixed on what I am going to miss when we leave that I do miss opportunities that are right in front of my face. Confused yet? Yeah! That's just a glimpse into my mind.

So much to do so little time....

We are going through our lifetime of belongings. Deciding what to give up and what comes with. Most has to be given up. I have never been that attached to "things". I am finding though that this task is bigger and much much harder then I thought. We decided the other night that we shouldn't hold on to all the baby clothes or gear (that we aren't currently using). We are happy with our family but unsure if the Lord will lead us to expand it. I assumed that we would keep baby things "just in case". But, after praying about it we decided to give it away to someone who can use it now. My heart was NOT prepared for that. I sat in the bathroom and cried and cried. I don't know where all the tears came from but they didn't want to stop. With every piece of clothing I pick up I see one of my babies in it. Just another rip to my already breaking heart.

The mess we are living in right now consumes and overwhelms me. There are so many boxes around. I can hardly stay on top of normal everyday things like my laundry and dishes, so added to all the chaos of moving...you get the picture...and it isn't pretty!

I'm treading...and barely staying above...

I started running again. I feel restless. It helps. I feel calm when I run. I feel peace. It helps to work out the frustrations, confusion, anger, grief, and any other emotion I feel but don't even realize.

I try and have my quiet times in the morning. I read, I pray. It feels like it's just a routine. I tell God my heart and thank Him for His goodness and bring my requests to Him. But He remains so silent. I don't feel close to God. I want to grow but I feel so dry. I know though, that I can't rely on my feelings, especially these days because they seem to be tossed by the wind. I rely on the fact that God IS there and IS working and does love me even if I don't feel it. I just long to hear His still small voice again.

I feel weak admitting my inability to deal with the change that is happening. I feel guilty. I even fear sharing my heart. What if it's not normal? What if I shouldn't be feeling what I do? I should be stronger. I shouldn't cry so much. I mean really, it is ridiculous. I cry about everything. It seems to be my main response to anything. I have always been strong. I am NOT an emotional person. But not these days. I am no longer strong...

It just occurred to me as I sit here that maybe...I think... just maybe, He is breaking me! A broken and contrite heart is what He desires. He wants me to lay aside my pride, the pride that I can control my emotions. "Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered..." (Psalm 51:17 The Message) I guess maybe I need to let it go and let Him work in me. I want to be changed. The process just hurts. I have to become weak so that His strength can work through me.

Why do I share the depths of my heart that I have kept a secret, here with you? Two reasons. one, I want to remember what God has taught me. The good and the hard things. I want to look back and see His faithfulness, and how even when it doesn't feel like it, He is always working. I don't want to be negative but I do want to be real. I want to remember what I felt as I walked the path He has set before us. I only pray that it is done in such a way that is honoring to Him. The second reason being, I wanted to set false impressions aside. If you are under the impression (and I doubt you are) that our following the Lord onto the mission field is easy...no I don't mean easy...if we are doing it because it is something that we always dreamed about...you are wrong. I know I have said going on the field was something that we thought we would always do. But the idea did not originate in and of ourselves. Our only desire has been to be used by the Lord for His glory...and this is how He is seeing fit to use us. Please don't mistake the things I feel for me not wanting to follow God's lead. I have no doubts that what we are doing is what He wants. It just doesn't make this transition any easier on my heart.

"My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah." Psalm 62:5-8)