In the darkness

Today it's cloudy. The lights flickered a little. Fear threatened to set in. It's still raining. I still see dark clouds overhead...can't quite make out the light....I know it's still there...

I was driving home the other day, going over everything in my mind again. Thinking and wondering if we made the right decision for Bill to go back to school. Wondering if we made the right decision in turning down the job in TN. God seemed to be so silent...we weren't seeing any fruit or any good come out of Bill's years of schooling. Did we do something wrong? Maybe we should have tried harder and pursued missions more? The questions and self doubt kept coming.

"God all we have asked for is for You to use us. We want what You want for us. We just aren't sure what that is right now." I sat there and poured out my heart to the Lord...all my fears, concerns, and doubts.

Quietly, I heard the answer to my hearts cry,

"Never doubt in the dark what I have shown you in the Light." My mind stopped. "what?"
"Never doubt in the dark what I have shown you in the light." Came the soft reproach again.


Wow! This tunnel has seemed so long and so dark. It's so easy to have doubts when it doesn't feel like anything is happening. When I start questioning the decisions that have taken place, is that really saying that I don't trust God?. Am I doubting Him? I hadn't thought about it that way. So, I gave it all back to Him. Gave up all my hopes and dreams...."whatever it is You want from us God I want to accept. Help me to be content with whatever You decide. Our lives belong to You to use as you please. Who am I to question any of it? Thank you God for Your grace. Thank you that you love us even more than I can imagine. I know You want is best and what will bring You the most glory."

This whole job thing has been such a roller coaster lately. Bill found out on Friday that he has one week left at his current job. We knew that would be coming soon...but it was still like, "oh wow." We are supposed to find out either today of tomorrow about the job Bill interviewed for here in Port Washington. Every time the phone rang today my heart jumped..they never called though. That doesn't bother me...there is always tomorrow. But, Bill has decided that they gave the job to "Goliath"...decided not out of defeat, but in his mind resolution. He feels strongly that he did not get the job. I think he needs to move on...to do the "next" thing (whatever that is). He has asked me to, "let go". So out of respect and love to him...I have let go. I will be sad if this job does not work out but, I will not loose hope.

Throughout all this. The Lord has reminded me of a verse in Proverbs."Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (13:12) In other words, I need to be careful where I place my hope. If I place all my hopes on a mere job, chances are my heart is going to be hurt...crushed even. If my hope is in the Lord there will be peace. I was reading in Philippians...a familiar passage to many I'm sure, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I looked down in the study notes (MacArthur). "Inner calm and tranquility is promised to the believer who has a thankful attitude based on unwavering confidence that God is able and willing to do what is best for his children." Also MacArthur goes on to say, "[the word] 'guard' is a military term meaning, 'to keep watch over'. God's peace guards believers from fear, anxiety, doubt, fear and distress." His peace guards my heart against doubt?!...

"The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You." Isa 26:3

I NEED to be dwelling in his Word. I find true peace there. His Word is a light in my darkened room. "For You light my lamp; The LORD my God illumines my darkness." Psalm 18:28 I need to be constantly in His word...so when I feel the clouds begin to form overhead...I have something to sustain me when the darkness sets in. I am to dwell on the things that are true (Phil. 4:8)

I know that in every situation God delights in getting all the glory. He alone deserves it. I think He likes to step in a the last minute and save the day. He wants to be the Hero...just as He is our Lamb, our savior, redeemer from sin, I think He delights in "saving" us from our circumstances. I am not sure of how that will play itself out...but I am confident that the Lord will provide. He always has, always will. He has been so faithful to our family. God's plans, God's ways are so much high than my own. In my mind I have made a plan. I see what I think would be best for us (the job in Port). It could be that that is what the Lord has planed for us....but it very well could not be. The only thing I know is of His faithfulness...I want our family to be a testimony of that. I want to bring glory to my King.


Today it was cloudy. The lights flickered a little. Fear threatened to set in. It's still raining. I still see dark clouds overhead...A crack...Light is beginning to break through into the dawn...

Tomorrow is a new day!