I remember when my Grandma died, I was sixteen. My mom would sometimes wear the perfume that my Grandma would wear. I couldn't stand it. It made me feel...things that I didn't want to feel. I asked her not to use it when I was around. Maybe I like to pretend and deny. Sometimes it's easier that way.
For the most part I feel nothing now. It's been 7 months...7 months since my mom left. It seems like a long time ago and yet not so very much. Sometimes I wish I could feel more. I feel like such a bad daughter/person. Who looses a loved one and yet feels nothing? They say that sometimes it takes time to really come to grips, but for crying out loud, you would think it would have REALLY hit by now.
My brother told me that he prayed that he would be able to cry at her funeral. I wish I had prayed that too. Anna asked me the other day why I didn't cry on that day. I told her that I did...a little but I so much wish that I could more. I hold it in. It's just always been my way. It's probably not good. I always equate tears with weakness (for myself not in others). But I wonder if that really were true, is it so wrong to be weak sometimes? I wish I didn't think I had to be strong. Scripture says that His strength is found in our weakness. Maybe tears would help me to depend more on Him.
Praying for tears. Praying for weakness. I think I have too much pride.
My heart grieved long ago about the loss of my mother. We used to be really close her and I. I loved to stay up late as a kid and just talk to her. She was a good listener. She was good a making me laugh and good at wiping my childhood sadness away. But then I grew and we grew apart. Some things happened that the two of us were never able to fully get over I guess. She changed, although I'm sure I did too. Things just weren't the same. She was no longer interested in listening and I no longer talked. That's when the wind blew and my heart cried and that part of us died. God filled the void that that relationship left, and so I suppose in a way it made her passing here on earth just a little easier. Although nothing can replace that original relationship.
When we traveled out east this summer I felt a wave of homesickness. I haven't considered that place my home in a long time. But being there brought back memories. It made me miss her. My eyes brimmed but never spilled. I wanted SO badly to drive past our old home. But it was out of the way and there wasn't time. I was hoping that maybe then I would really feel something and get closure. I kind of doubt it though.
Yesterday was one of those days too. I am working on a family tree as a project for school. There are holes on my mom's side. People's names and ages that I can't remember. For an instant I wanted to pick up the phone and call and ask her... I'm sure someone else has that information but I wanted to get it from her. I had a sense of feeling lost? It's hard to describe. Maybe it's because I don't really understand it.
And so some days these waves come and I pray to deal and to understand them. I pray for weakness and the strength to deal with that weakness. I pray for tears...to flow freely. And I pray for the day when we will be with Him and never have to shed a tear or have an emotion that I don't understand...and all of this will be but a distant time and we will have joy forever.
7 comments:
Thank you for sharing your heart on your blog. You have always been one to process your thoughts through writing, and I'm sure God is the One prompting you now as you write down these thoughts and indescribable emotions.
I don't really have any words for you, I wish I could just give you a hug. I just want you to know that I'm lifting you up in prayer. No one comforts like Him.
awww, I'm glad you were able to write this out. <3
You always have a way of putting things so elequently. Thank you for sharing your heart. Love you and miss you.
I came back to your blog today to look up your granola recipe (our fave) and saw this post. . .
I am so thankful that He knows our frame. He knows that we are dust. . . and He created the emotions that sometimes are too deep for tears. Sometimes tears are so easy.
I think sometimes the loss of a relationship is almost as painful as death. . . and a lot harder to process. Death is so black and white. Relationships are never ever black and white. To lose both. . . not fun.
Thinking of you today as you process the loss of your mom. . . contrary to lots of cliches, time doesn't heal. It does give perspective, though, which can be good. (And bad.) Only God can heal.
Praying for healing for your heart.
Liz! I have been checking to for your updates in my feed, but since you've gone private they haven't been there! I clicked on your link today, and was so surprised to see TWO updates I've missed! Silly me.
I love your honesty. It's so refreshing to read something raw and genuine. I can only begin to imagine the confusion and ache you sometimes feel. Praying for you, sister!
Thanks for sharing, Liz. You won't ever forget those memories of lost loved ones. Even if you didn't shed cry at your mother's funeral, it doesn't make you less of a daughter/person. It's hard to feel like you have to hold it in and be the strong one. But... it's ok to just be vulnerable and let someone hold you and take care of you too sometimes. :-) Love you and miss you!
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