Reflections from my mirror

*I am back tracking here. I wrote this about 6 weeks ago...before we moved to Mo. I need to remember all that God has/is teaching my heart. It is nothing profound or well written, just parts of my heart. :)

I picked up my Bible and devotional book, it was exactly what I needed to read that morning...

I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you will find it easier to believe you are my beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to 'fix' yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather then using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love.~ Jesus Calling

I have been discouraged for feeling discouraged. I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that things are changing, we are moving. I fall apart easily, I cry way too much. I judge myself based on my ability to deal with stress. I judge myself on what I think I look like on the inside. (and outside for that matter these days, haven't been able to shed those last 15 pounds that I need too...) I DO feel so unworthy of God's love. Sometimes I just wonder at how He could possibly love me? I have looked inward and tried to fix what I think is wrong with me, but nothing changes. I continue to feel bad from the inside out, and God continues to feel so far away.

This internal struggle has been going on for months. I do battle in my mind every day.

Here's the problem I realized while having my quiet time. I have moved my focus off of my Savior when I have these thoughts. I once read, "to be disappointed with yourself is to have believed in yourself...to be discouraged is unbelief-as to God's purpose and plan of blessing for you." I am seeing just how true that is. I have shifted my gaze to inward rather then upward. He is the only one who can fix what needs to be. And sometimes what needs to be fixed isn't what I think it is. The thoughts I have about myself affect so many other areas in my life. I had no idea until recently that it was what was affecting my relationship with Him. He has seemed so far away. I wondered where He went. I KNOW that He does not leave, but I really don't feel His presence. I sat with His Word in my lap and told Him I didn't even know where to start. I read a little from His Word...that didn't really do anything to change how I "felt". I closed my Bible and just prayed. I told Him how I was feeling. I knew He could handle it. As I poured my heart to Him the dam broke and I began to sob. Then that's when I opened up to my devotional book and knew that He was using those words to speak to me. It was a gentle rebuke. And although it didn't change how I "felt" it did open my eyes to see where my gaze needed to be.

More of Him...less of me...and it's a start to where I need to be.

Thank you God for your mercy, help me to dwell in Your truth and keep my eyes on You.

slowly

Just checking in to let you all know I am alive and well. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks since the big move...and 3 weeks since I posted anything. :) I am slowly working on catching up on my blog. I am working on several posts to get me to the present. Not sure if anyone still checks this little blog of mine. Life has been so unbelievably busy since moving. In the meantime if you want to know what is going on in our present you can check out our ministry blog. We have a few updates there.

Thanks for understanding friends. Hope to be back soon. :)

We are here!

We finally made it here to the New Tribes Missionary Training Center, this past Monday. After a 12 1/2 hour drive (with no air conditioning) in the heat, we made it here safely! :) I only had one melt down, I can't take this any more, yell at Bill moment...yeah not my best! Moving is stressful! I'm so thankful for a forgiving husband and a loving God. :)

Life has been absolutely crazy for us the past month. Our last weeks in WI were just crammed packed with moving, cleaning, Dr. appointments, doing two photo shoots (SOOO fun for me!!) and spending time with family and friends. Obviously not much time for being on here. :) I am totally exhausted these days. I think it's going to take me awhile to recover from all the craziness and change.

It is beautiful here but oh so HOT! Not quite like good old WI. :) I miss what used to be home daily...but not because of the weather.

I have so much I want to write about...so many thoughts...I don't want to forget. I am going to have to rewind and start back a few weeks to try and catch up.

Well, I am off to bed now because I think I am falling asleep just typing this. I will be back soon.

Oh, I almost forgot...if you want a look into our new place you can visit our ministry blog here.

Our Bethlehem

Before you walk into your home with your new baby, stop and mentally photograph this house so that you can keep it in your heart forever. In this mobile society of ours, there's a good chance that your child will not live in this place till she goes to college. You may move two or three more times during her childhood, especially if you find you like this mothering business and have more kids. But this will always be Bethlehem to you, the place where your family was born. You may not know it yet, but your most precious memories are about to be created here, and in years to come you will have forgotten if it had bad plumbing or funny shag carpeting. It's where you brought your first child. Welcome home!

-From "Girlfriends' Guide to the First Year of Motherhood" by Vicki Iovine

While it was not the house we brought our first baby home to, or even our second baby....this house was our Bethlehem. I remember the day we moved in. Our friends rejoiced with us. It was the first real house we had lived in. No more apartments with bad neighbors for us! We did not own this house, but that didn't matter at the time. We had finally found a place that would feel more like home then any other place we had lived. It was small....cozy if you will...but I loved it! Over time it felt like it was ours. We painted and decorated and put ourselves into it. My kitchen was a happy yellow, and living room a comforting brown. Many adventures were had while living in 117, the little brown house next to the coffee shop. We welcomed our last 2 babies home while living there. It's where we lived when we decided to start homeschooling. We had lots of birthday parties, girls nights, friends and family...all who lovingly tred our worn out carpeted floors. We packed that house to the max. So many wonderful memories were made inside those walls.

It is where we lived when God told us to pick up our family and venture into the unknown. Over the last few months we have slowly given away most of our belongings in preparation for our new future. Some of the things we gave away were hard to part with, but most were not. The one thing I was a little surprised to feel sad about was leaving behind the place we called "home" for the last 4 and a half years. We packed up and moved out everything we have left last Friday. It was a bittersweet day. I was not prepared for the emotions I would have. As I walked through the empty house one last time I was flooded with thoughts and voices from the past. It was a good home for us. We were very blessed. I shed a few tears in closing the door behind us.

Goodbye little brown house. You will be missed. You will not be forgotten. You will always be Bethlehem to us.

Prayer needed

*UPDATE: I ended up having to reschedule my appointment. We just had too much going on. We weren't moved out of the house when we thought we would be. So I rescheduled for Thursday August 6th. I would appreciate your prayers for that day! :)

I don't have time to really be on here, we are in the midst of moving our stuff out of our house tonight. We have to be out by the 31st, so we are crazy busy. I just have a quick prayer request. The other day while flossing, I broke part of my tooth. The tooth has given me problems for years. Anyway, after going to the dentist I found out that the tooth is pretty bad. It was filling that came out. There is quite a bit of decay on that tooth and a cavity on the one beside it. I am going in tomorrow to have it filled and have a crown put on. He also said that there is a chance that if they hit nerve that they will have to do an emergency root canal.

Honestly I don't have time to write about all my feelings about everything that has happened (gone wrong) in the past 2 weeks. I am feeling a bit discouraged. It's just bad timing. In the midst of packing, moving, cleaning I have this. God is stretching me. dental work is very expensive, I don't really care for going to the dentist (actually freak out a little at the thought) as it is. I am trying to just rely on Him though. I know He will provide, I know He will take care of me. This incident (and all the other things that have happened) did not take God by surprise...and that thought is comforting.

Please be in prayer for me tomorrow. I go in at 9 am. I am a little anxious about the whole thing. Please pray for peace of mind and also for wisdom for the Dr. And also please just pray that we can get everything packed and cleaned out of the house by Friday.

Thanks so much!

A time to laugh

We have been so blessed with a wonderful group of friends from our church. Saturday evening we got together with a few of those friends for a little fun. It was just what I needed for a little de-stressing. After non stop packing and feelings of being overwhelmed, it was so great to step back and take a break from it all for just a little bit. I haven't laughed so hard in awhile. :)

Me bowling...my highest score of the night was an 87 I think. Nicole and Jenny can correct me if I'm wrong. :)

Bill, because I think he's cute in bowling shoes (shhh, don't tell him I said that. :) )

Jenny showing us great form. LOL

Bill and Reed

After I think the 2nd game of not doing so hot, the girls and I decided to do different things for fun. One frame was for speed, one was for perfect form, one was for a certain number of pins, etc. It made the game fun and certainly gave us more to laugh about. This is Nicole bowling for form.

John

Bowling shoes are so fun and retro...and uncomfortable...and maybe even a little gross. :)

The girls. Me, Nicole, and Jenny. We may have lost to the guys but we definitely had great spirit.

What a great night! I am so thankful for laughter and for friends, and for a breath of fresh air!

An update on Anna

An update on Anna's ears here.

Summer loves

long flowing skirts.
painted toe nails.
and.
flip flops.
to name a few. :)

What are some of yours?

Our lullaby

Every night I sing to the kids at bedtime. There is something about the act of singing that seems to just sooth the soul. There are 3 songs that we usually sing. I just love the words in all of them...all lullabies about sweet Jesus. I pray the words of the last song I sing, as they all close their eyes and drift off to sleep, will fill their minds with peace and love. I want the last words they hear to be about how much they are loved....

Today was so full and so busy for both of us
But for tonight, all those burdens can keep
Come, let sweet Jesus be the light in your darkness
And open the door to a paradise of sleep


For he grants sleep to the ones that he loves
And I live to love you as well
The last words you'll hear tonight will be, "I love you,"
For love we've been given a lifetime to tell


Your tender sadness, it touches the heart of me
Howling and scowling just make you more dear
With all this commotion, now, what could the trouble be?
For love's sake, my darling, I'll always be here


For he grants sleep to the ones that he loves
And I live to love you as well
The last words you'll hear tonight will be, "I love you,"
For love takes us all of a lifetime to tell


For he grants sleep to the ones that he loves
And I live to love you as well
The last words you'll hear tonight will be, "I love you,"
And that takes us all of a life...time...
To tell
~Song by Michael Card
From the Sleep Sound in Jesus CD

How many is too many?

One shoe.
Two shoe.
Three shoe.
Four.
plenty more not on the floor.

Yesterday one of my goals on my to do list was to sort through our HUGE box/pile of shoes on the back porch. Bill took the kids out for the afternoon, under strict orders (well not really. If you know Bill you know he would never order me to do anything. :) ) that I would do something about the massive amounts of shoes our family of 6 has. I told him that I was pretty sure that 3/4 of them were mine. To be honest I really wasn't sure how many pairs of shoes I owned until I started sorting. :) After looking through I am pretty sure that 90% are mine.

This is just a few. :)

So I counted...I think the number is somewhere around 25 pairs of shoes just for me (Shhh, don't tell Bill. Actually, I already did...he wasn't to shocked!)!! Oh My! I decided I MIGHT part with maybe 2 or 3 pairs that I don't wear all that much. :) But now that I'm looking at them, I really do like them so....I just don't know. LOL

So my question is...How many shoes is too many? Can you ever have too many? :) How many pairs do you own...HONESTLY? :) Do you even know?! I dare you to count. :)

Professional family pictures

If you get a chance and you want a sneak peek. You can head over to Pam's blog to see some of the pictures she took of us when my family was out here! I am in love with all of them. As always Pam does such an amazing job. I don't know how she did it...manage to get a picture that James was actually sitting still and looking at the camera. He was in one of those moods where he was just NOT going to do what we wanted. But, I knew that if anyone could do it, it would be Pam. :)

Thanks Pam for all your hard work! These are precious memories that you documented for us. It means more to me than I can express!

Dreams

As she rested her chin in the palms of her hands an audible sigh escaped her lips, "I can't wait until I grow up." A bird in the tree caught her attention as it hurried about to feed it's young. The girl smiled wistfully and went back to her daydream...

As a little girl I spent so much of my time dreaming of my future. I had many things I wanted to do with my life. At one stage it was to be a dancer, at another an actress. I know at one point I wanted to be a teacher like my mom. Then later a writer. Probably the strongest desire I had of all was to be a wife and mom. In some way I feel like many of the desires of my heart have been fulfilled. I took dance and gymnastics for several years. I was able to try my hand at acting in many childhood plays. I taught in different situations (although definitely not my strong suit or gift). I co. founded and co, edited a magazine for 5 years. Then after collage I got married and now have a beautiful family. I'm not telling all this to brag about what a wonderfully exciting life I've lead, that's hardly the case. I'm just focusing on the many blessings God has given me.

I feel very content being a wife and mom, but I have to admit that some days I still dream. I dream of ways that God can use my gifts and abilities outside of what I am already doing. Sometimes in the throws of motherhood it is easy to loose yourself and forget who you are. What brought this all to mind recently? A memory of a conversation.

It started in a car, with a friend, on our way to the Cheesecake factory. It was a late evening venture. A night away from our daily mommy happenings. I don't remember exactly what lead to the topic, but somehow we ended up on what our dreams and aspirations were. What would we do with our time when we didn't have little ones at home to chase and to care for on a 24/7 basis...be it that they were in school or grown. My friend admitted that she really had no idea what she wanted to do. I mulled the question over. There are lots of things that I enjoy doing that I could see myself getting involved in...when I have more time. But I had to admit that at the time I had rarely given it much thought. I was so caught up in (and enjoying, most days) taking care of my kiddos that sometimes I forgot that I was anything other then a mom. What would I do with spare time? Is there even such a thing? :) However curious a question I suddenly knew in my heart what I desired. It was like a little seed was planted that night.

It began to grow. I began to dream, like the little girl I once was staring off into the woods.

For as long as I can remember I have LOVED to take pictures. My best friend and I, as a kid were always staging "photo shoots". My dad would take me hiking as a teen just so we could capture the beauty around us on film. It is something I have never been great at, but something I enjoyed.

I decided to go back to school and take photography classes. At the time Bill had recently gotten a job that would allow me to take college classes for free. This seemed perfect...that is until he lost that job. Bummer! Oh well, I figured I would find another way to learn. During this time I purchased my first DSLR camera. I had saved for a really long time. I had consulted my friend Pam and got her opinion on cameras. She took the time to answer a lot of the questions I had about cameras and photography in general. Once I had that camera in my hand, I fell in love. :) I loved everything about it...the way it felt, the way it sounded.

One evening shortly after I had gotten my camera I got an email from Pam. She wanted to know if I would be interested in shadowing her. I was so excited! This was the opportunity that I had dreamed about. I would be able to get hands on experience. It seemed even better then going to school! :) It looked like God was working things out faster then I imagined. Would this dream of mine finally be able to become a reality?

Bill had gotten another job, we were in the process of looking at buying our first house. It seemed like things were really on the upside. That is when God decided to change our course. Seriously I was thrown for a loop, when Bill announced that God wanted us to pursue once again going to the mission field. If I can be perfectly honest here, after my initial surprise in this turn of events I felt somewhat let down. As much as I knew that God wanted for us to go into missions I was disappointed. It just seemed that God had given me a new passion and now He was asking me to give it back...to lay it down.

I came across this quote in the midst of struggling thoughts.

When I learn to say yes to God's will I am no longer preoccupied with myself, my abilities or the dreams for my life. Letting go of my dreams means my future will not be the way I always expected it to be. Only then, when I have released my death grip on what I believe God should do, the way I believe He should do it, and when I believe it should happen, am I free to fully receive what God has for me. If God calls me to put my dreams on the alter, I need to trust Him to replace them or revive them in a way that makes the original pale by comparison.
~Gary Mayes

God was calling me to put my dreams on the alter for the moment. I wrestled with this for a few months. I felt guilty that I was struggling with what seemed like such a silly thing. I mean in the grand scheme of things what's more important? Taking pictures or lost souls? I prayed that He would take my desire away. He did not. I prayed that He would help me to get excited about this new path we are headed down. Not quite yet...but getting there. What He did do however was fill me with His peace and give me a different perspective. It's not so much about what I do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a photographer. He can be glorified through that. I could have served Him in that way if He had chosen that for me. It's simply about walking in obedience. About being willing to give up what I want. Releasing my death grip on my dreams and saying, "Yes Lord thy will be done." I truly believe he can make my original pale...like a shade of gray in an ocean of color...in comparison to the tapestry He is weaving with my life. He can revive or replace those dreams...I trust Him enough with my heart. I stand here and wait on Him to work. He knows me best. He loves me more then I can imagine. Knowing that makes it easier to let go.

It has honestly taken me MONTHS to get to this point...but I am truly at peace with what He is doing. I will go on enjoying life....taking pictures of the people and things that He has blessed me with. But my hands are going to be open and willing to serve, not holding too tightly to dreams. And who knows maybe someday He will just call me and ask me to be His photographer....in some far off beautiful place. :)