Upside-down

When I was 16 I traveled with another family from our church to N. Carolina to be their nanny. I can't remember but I think we were there for close to 2 weeks. They had two precious little girls that I was privileged to take care of. It was the perfect job for me. It was like a paid vacation. :) We stayed in this beautiful two story house which was situated right off the ocean. We would walk out the door every morning and across the street to the beach. One afternoon I went swimming in the ocean with the mom of those two girls. Their dad stayed on shore to watch them. The mom wanted to teach me how to jump the waves since it was one of her favorite things to do. It was thrilling. It had to be timed just right. I totally enjoyed it, that is until we jumped too late and a wave overtook us. That moment was totally unexpected to me. Suddenly I was sucked under, tumbling round and round not able to figure out if I was up or down. Panic set in and I wondered if I would ever breath or see daylight again...until it was all over and I was washed up onshore. I was a little scratched up from all the shells and rocks on the ocean floor. I was shaken up quite a bit and unsure if I would ever go back in. But I survived and with a new found respect for the power inside the ocean. I was bruised but not crushed.

Thinking back on this memory I realized something. In that moment of being sucked under and twirling around all hope seems lost. There is confusion and disorientation in the upside-down. That is where I seem to find myself lately. Life for me has been turned and tilted until I am not sure which way is up. Not in an "all hope is lost" sort of way, but it's just been a wide range of emotions swirling around my mind and heart. I find myself being introspective, not wanting to talk as much. Maybe it's because I am just trying to wrap my mind around everything. So many emotions. Sadness, loneliness, anger, numbness, guilt, grief and of course there is happiness and joy mixed up in there too. I know it doesn't help that I am pregnant right now. That always adds to the emotions.

Life has been so busy lately with school. Any free time that I have outside of classes and taking care of my family is spent doing homework. Busyness is good and keeps me distracted but I wonder if it is also a hindrance at times. I find myself not able to fully absorb everything that has happened. To grieve the loss of my mom and to find joy in new life growing inside. In rare moments of quiet or as I lay in bed at night is when the swirling usually begins. My mind goes round and round in an ever confusion of an ocean of emotions, finding myself not really sure how to plant my feet on anything solid.

At some point the wave will break and and the waters will calm (if only for a little bit) and I will wash up on shore - possibly bruised, but certainly not crushed. And I wonder if when I come up on the other side if I might just have a new perspective that I can't fathom right now. That is my hope in the upside down. I don't want to miss what the Lord has to teach me. Like I did with the ocean I want to come up for air with a new found respect for the life He has given me.