Decisions on homeschooling

I've been struggling with guilt lately.  We have a lot of big decisions to make, many of which revolve around our kids. One of the biggest decisions is regarding homeschooling curriculum. When we pulled the kids out of public school this past December I just did a mix of curriculum with Anna and Ryan. It wasn't  the most organized system but it got us through the rest of the year.  I knew at the beginning of summer that I was going to want something more organized. We began praying months ago for wisdom in this area. But, here we are just 2 and a half weeks before school starts and we still have not ordered anything.  Every time I have sat down to research or pray about it I just feel this huge weight and then I feel paralyzed in making any kind of decision.

I think the problem is, I have this ideal of homeschooling.  I have thoughts about how I think it should go and what I want it to look like. I love the whole Charlotte Mason approach to homeschooling. I want to be more hands on. I want to understand my kids better and teach in way that is effective for each of their learning styles. I want to be involved. However, because of us moving overseas (hopefully in the next year) we need to find something that doesn't require so much planning and teaching on my part. Bill feels strongly about getting the kids in an online charter school, at least for the next few years. We want to try it out this year and see how it goes before we got overseas.  The reason for doing this is because the first few years in another country are going to be very busy and stressful for us as we learn the language and culture. We still feel strongly about homeschooling, so it looks like for now this is our best option.

This decision has lead to even more guilt on my part. I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling so much guilt until the other night when I was talking it out with Bill. I realized that it's because of the ideas I hold of homeschooling.  A few months ago I went to a homeschooling seminar. It was while Bill and I were in training and it was geared towards people like ourselves who are going to be homeschooling overseas. One of the biggest things that struck me about that seminar was when one of the speakers said, "homeschooling will look different overseas then it does in the states." It sounds like a duh statement but I had never really thought about it. Oh course it is going to be different.  I keep thinking about that and realize that I need to come to grips with it.  I have to get rid of some of my ideals and learn to be flexable.  At least for a time.  For my sanity and stress level, we are going to have to do things differently over there.

I was talking to a new friend of mine recently and telling her my concerns with the curriculum that we are deciding on. She looked at me and said, "You know, you can make anything work. It's all in your attitude and how you approach it."  I really appreciated her saying that to me.  Yes we may find that we don't care for what we have chosen to use this year, but we will work with it and learn from it and adjust things as need be. And who knows we could find that we absolutely love it, this new way of schooling and it could radically change my my ideas about homeschooling. I don't want it to sound like I  expect our experience this year to be all negative. I just know it's going to be different. It always takes me awhile to adjust to change.

I have also come to realize over the last few days that I don't need to feel guilt.  Guilt does not come from the Lord so it is not something that I need to succumb to. I am still my children's teacher (no matter if they are using an online teacher to teach their subjects to them). I will still be proactive in teaching my children character traits and what God's Word has to say. Those are the lessons in life that are the most important.

We are going to be making our final decisions about curriculum this weekend, and ordering all of our materials. I will come back once we do and write about what we end up with.  Looks like it's going to be and interesting adventure this year. :)

My mother's day

4 little ones
soon to be 5

How did I ever become so blessed?

they are the best gifts
for which I am so thankful!

Goodbye coffee?

Two weeks ago I came down with this nasty stomach bug. Bill had to stay home from school that morning because I was so sick and could barley take care of myself let alone the kids. The nastyness (I'll spare the details) lasted about 12 hours. I have never been sick like that while pregnant and let me tell you, it's something I never want to experience again! The baby was doing constant somersaults inside me while I was felling sicker then a do, and that did NOT help. Ugh! Anyway, it took about a week before my stomach was actually feeling normal again. During that time I had to give up drinking coffee. My stomach was just too weak to handle it. I was surprised that my body did well going of it (Although it's not as though I drink that much anymore). I didn't get any headaches of caffeine withdraw.

Once I was feeling well again I decided to make myself a nice hot mug! Ahhh, it smelled so good! However within an hour I had a horrible headache. And the headache lasted most of the day. I attributed the headache to something other then coffee...it had to be. But then when the same thing happened after I drank a cup the very next day, I was forced to admit the truth. My coffee drinking days have come to an end. :( My long time love affair was over. Sigh!

I have the feeling though, once this baby is born I can return to having my one cup a day! I'm sure it's better this way. I just wasn't prepared to say goodbye. :)

All your problems

I spent a good portion of yesterday afternoon outside with the kids. At one point Ryan ran off to the backyard to pout. I had no idea what he was so upset about, so after a minute I followed to where he was sitting. Anna came up behind me and sat down next to Ryan as I asked him what was wrong. He sat there quietly, head down lip out not willing to speak. Anna in her very grown up way, placed her hand on his shoulder and said, "It's ok Ryan. You can tell mom. She can help you with all your problems."

I almost had to remind myself to breath. What did she say? Does she really think that? How encouraging to know that she feels (at least right then) that she can come to me with her thoughts and problems, and she was encouraging her brother to do the same. This is something that I pray for...that our children would see us as always available and willing to help.

While all was resolved in matter of minutes and the kids ran back to play, my heart lingered at the moment of that memory. I pray that I never forget the importance of my job...the importance of listening to and tending to little hearts...

Mother's day

The 4 reasons why I am called mom. I am very blessed!

What a wonderful day it was. Donuts for breakfast, flowers, homemade card, daddy-made lunch, a 2 hour nap for me (YAY!!), and a fun evening at grandparents. Couldn't ask for anything more perfect. :)

Where Grace Lives

I wanted to share an excerpt from one of my favorite mom books, "Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul" by Angela Thomas. I pray you will be as encouraged by it as I was.

How to Know Where Grace Lives

~ All the neighborhood kids want to hang out at the house where grace lives. There is more dirt to be swept, there are more snacks to be made, and the grass doesn't grow outside the back door or under the swing. But the kids show up, hang out, and get loved where grace lives

~ There is always enough for one more where grace lives....one more for dinner....one more to sleep over....one more hug....one more kiss.

~The dust may be a little thicker on top of the TV, and the closets a bit cluttered, but hearts have been tended where grace lives. Family management has become the tool instead of the goal. Schedules matter, but souls matter more.

~The lights are on late where grace lives. Grace stays up to listen, hug in the dark, and wipe away tears of disappointment and pain.

~ You can see people dancing where grace lives, because moms hang up the phone, turn up the music, and dance over victories of their children. Sometimes the children just watch from behind their cereal and "catch" the grace of a silly mom.

~You can hear things like, "Please forgive me, I was wrong....I'm disappointed, but I love you...You are my treasure...You are a blessing...let me pray for you."

~ The eyes of the children where grace lives shine with joy and anticipation. They have not been wounded by impossible expectations. They have not been distanced by rejection. They have been embraced and accepted and loved.

~ The moms at the house where grace lives are just regular, everyday moms, but God lives inside them. By His power, they are becoming holy and righteous and good. They stumble but recover quickly. They make mistakes but say, "I'm sorry." They get blown by the winds of heartache and adversity, but their hearts remain tender toward God.

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Oh how I pray daily that our home would be one full of grace and God's love. I know I blow it often, but thankfully I have a God who is there when I do and reminds me not to live in self condemnation. I have been forgiven and because of that I can go on and His power in me enables me to show grace to my little ones. Thank you God for Your goodness!

"Ice cream" on the mind

Sometimes in midst of it, in the throws of motherhood the Lord speaks ever so gently...so soft that if I don't stop for a minute I might just miss what He is trying to say...

At one point last week I sat down with Anna and had a long heart to heart. She had been giving me such a hard time all day...all week for that matter. It seemed that no matter what I said or how I disciplined her she hardened her heart towards me and became more stubborn. I finally reached my breaking point and sat down on the floor next to her. As I began to pour my heart out to her my tears began to flow. I explained that I didn't understand her actions and that it broke my heart to see her in such disobedience. I told her how much I loved her and that I truly don't enjoy having to discipline her. I also admitted that I make mistakes too, we all do, but I have to answer to God when I am disobedient to Him...just as she has to answer to me. I talked for a few more minutes, she sat directly in front of me, head down seeming to be full of sorrow for her actions. When I was done speaking, I placed my hand lovingly on hers and said, "Tell me what you are thinking. What is going through your mind." She looked up at me with sad eyes and replied,

"Ice cream!"

I sat there stunned for a second. That was NOT the response I was envisioning from her. I have to admit I was a little bit disappointed that she apparently did not even see my heart or understand anything I said. The tears I shed were genuine (and if you know me, you know I don't cry all that often), they were not shed to make her feel guilty, but I did feel that they had now been shed in vain. I gave her a hug and reminded her of my love and told her she could go back to what I had called her from. A sigh escaped my lips as she left the room. Now what?...

And then He whispered.... "Don't you see the comparison?"

Um, what? No! Comparison of what? She was only thinking of ice cream the whole time I was talking and trying to show her the right way to go. She is only full of her own thoughts and has no regard for my words. I just want to love her and have a right relationship with her, but we can't because she insists on thinking only of herself and doing things her way. I want to give her the desires of her heart. I want her to be happy. But her thoughts need to me in line with mine!" Suddenly my thoughts trailed as I realized what He was trying to show me.

How many times has the Lord tried to show me the way He wants me to go or to speak to my heart, only for me to miss the point because I was too full of my own thoughts or ideas. How often has my mind been on my own desires, and not had the mind of Christ? It really gave me much to ponder. I found myself relating more and more to the situation. I am pretty sure that I have had "ice cream" on the brain too.

The Last few months the Lord has been working on my heart. I had in mind the way I thought my life was going to go. I was excited about some things that the Lord had brought into my life...good things that I thought were from Him. But, life took an unexpected (isn't that always the case?) WAY different turn. I have sort of struggled to understand why it appeared God was directing me one way and now has changed it (obviously I have issues with change! :) ). Proverbs 16:9 says, "The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." It is so amazing to me how true this is! I have seen this over and over in my life, and yet here I am learning it all over again as if for the first time.

In these hard motherhood moments, I am thankful that the Lord reaches out to teach me. And I am thinking that maybe just maybe this time, this lesson was meant for me more so then for my daughter.

Outside and in

It's been cold and gray out most of this week, which perfectly reflects how I feel at the moment. It has been a very hard mommy week. I am in a funk. I am pretty weary. I am very discouraged. I am at my wits end. I keep falling at my Father's feet and asking for wisdom. I need it badly. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wonder sometimes why the Lord has entrusted me with my children. I feel so inadequate. But maybe that's just the point. He wants me to rest in that. I cannot do this on my own. I take comfort in the fact that He has promised to gently lead those that have young. So I place my hand is His during this rough road.

Oh Father lead me. My heart is breaking at my children's attitudes. I need your grace and your love. Help me to be the mother You have called me to be. Please bring fresh perspective. Help me to find my strength in you. I pray that my children would see Christ in me. Thank you for your promises. Thank you for loving me. Oh how I need you...

Numbering the days

Anna started reading a girls devotional that she picked up from the church library recently. After each chapter there is an assignment. One evening she asked me to help her read a few words that she couldn't figure out. I quickly helped her and was about to turn back to what I was doing when she got to the assignment part. I stopped and listened as she verbally listed the things that are a priority to her. It gave her a list of choices. I was a surprised and pleased when she listed her most important thing as spending time with her family. She said, "I just love spending time with my parents." My heart melted. I thought she would have listed spending time with friends as higher then spending it with her parents. So many things went through my mind in that instant, and I felt the Lord whisper to me, "Seize the day. Take hold of each moment that you have with her...enjoy them...treasure them." They are numbered...

It was no coincidence that I had just read a chapter in "Feminine Appeal" on loving your children. In one section Carolyn Mahaney talks about about Psalm 90,

In Psalm 90 Moses depicted the reality of the brevity of life. He compared our lives to a watch in the night, a dream, grass that flourishes-all brief and fleeting images. Then he prayed this way: "So teach us to number our days." Have you numbered your days lately? If we pause to count the remaining days we have with our children, we will realize how few they are.

It is so true. They do grow up so fast. I stand amazed that I have a 7 year old. How did that happen? And yet knowing this I can still sometimes loose perspective. A few months ago Anna said to me, "Just a minute...that's all I hear" Conviction hit like a rock. The reality is sometimes that "just a minute" never comes. How many times do I say things like, "I can't right now", "Let me just finish this up.", Hold on", "Just a minute." Sometimes those times are justified. Like I truly DO have to finish what I am doing (example: something overflowing or burning on the stove top. :-) ). But there are times when I am simply not making my little ones a priority. Sometimes because of my own selfish desires to do what I want, or all the overwhelming demands of motherhood, I tune them out or say no their requests.

I have been wanting to start making little dates with Anna. It doesn't need to be anything extravagant. Things like taking her out for hot coco, or staying up a little later so that we can chat uninterrupted, or maybe starting a mother/daughter devotional together. I think now would be a good time to start doing this..I only wish had started sooner. I know there is going to come a day when spending time with us is maybe not ranked first on her list. I only get one shot at motherhood and I don't want to miss out on any tender moments.

Teach me to number the days Lord. Help me to stop and enjoy the time I have with my children while they are still little.

Getting them involved

The laundry is something I am constantly struggling to stay on top of. I do laundry almost every day, and yet I can't seem to ever get it under control. Last night I decided it was time to get everyone involved (minus Bill who was in the other room entertaining Claire). I gave each of the kids a task. Anna was assigned the "big" towels. Ryan got the "small" ones. James had to find all the socks and put them in a pile. I put an episode of the radio drama Adventures in Odyssey on (which we listen to online on the computer). The kids worked diligently at their tasks while they learned a lesson on loving others. Everyone was happy to help out. No one complained. Wow! Imagine that! For 20 minutes I had 3 happy helpers.

Sometimes I forget the importance of getting my kids involved. So often I take the route of, "it is much easier to do it myself". This is an area that I know I struggle in. I pray all the time for ways to teach the kids. I know I need to teach them responsibility, and doing it all for them doesn't teach that. I'm so thankful the Holy Spirit whispers to my soul and reminds me of MY responsibility to teach my little ones life skills and lessons. And it is okay if the towels are not folded perfectly. :) They weren't and I didn't go back an refold them. I left them as they were, evidence that I had had little helpers. I was just thankful for the time we had together and the joy that filled our house as we worked together.

Thank you Father for reminding me of my role and to use every moment to instruct my children. Thank you for showing me the importance of making them responsible at a young age. Give me wisdom Lord and help me to make good decisions in regards to what you want me to teach them. I pray that I can demonstrate serving with a cheerful heart. Thank you for moments such as these.

Where panic lives

Did you know that panic lives at Wal-Mart? I found it there tonight...

Once or twice a week in the evening I end up running errands. The kids take turns coming with me. I thought this would be a fun way to spend a little one on one time with each of them. Tonight it was Ryan's turn and he was so excited to go. I needed to pick up a few things for school. I have been working all afternoon on lesson plans and organizing everything so we are ready for our first day on September 2nd.

I looked down at him as we walked through the Wal-Mart doors and thought about what a sweet boy he is and how big he is getting, and I can't believe I am here buying school supplies for his first year of home school. We spent a good half hour going through all the school aisles looking for everything on my list. Every once in awhile Ryan would pull out something that had Spider Man or some other character on it and ask if we could buy it. I explained that we were just getting the things on my list and to please put that back. He obediently placed the items back on the shelves.

We were almost done with our shopping trip when Ryan announced, "Look Mom I found these Star Wars stickers. Aren't they cool?"

"Yes Ryan they are, but could you please put those back where you got them." I replied. He then quickly ran over to where he had found them. I turned back to what I was looking at. A few seconds later I realized that Ryan had not returned. I looked around the corner to see if he was still standing by the stickers. He wasn't there. I walked down to the next aisle, he wasn't there either. That's when I found it...the place where panic lives. My heart dropped and my stomach turned, as I began to call out for him. In that moment my mind began to race and filled with all kinds of horrible things, as I yelled for my son getting no response.

I decided to walk over to the toys thinking that Ryan might have wondered there. As I rounded the corner I nearly collied with an older man. I looked down to see him hand in hand with MY little boy. I audibly gasped, partially out of relief and partially from the sight of my son holding hands with a stranger. Upon seeing me Ryan said, "Mom why did you loose me?" Oh the pain of hearing those words! The man explained that he saw Ryan wondering and told him he would help him find his mommy. Ryan, like a lost sheep had followed. I thanked the man and then took Ryan in my arms. I was afraid I was going to fall apart right there. It's not like I have never lost my kids in a store before. I have had a few seconds in the past where I couldn't see my kiddos and started to get that scary feeling. For some reason this evening was so different. I know that not much time passed in those moments, but I still cannot get over how quickly I lost him. I know it probably sounds like I am making a bigger deal out of this, but I cannot explain the amount of fear and panic I felt. It hit me hard.

Of course all the guilt and the what ifs filled my mind. How could I be so irresponsible? What if that man really wasn't trying to help? What if he was trying to take Ryan out of the store with him. I should have walked over to the stickers with Ryan. I should have NEVER taken my eyes off of him.

We have talked to our kids about strangers many times before, but tonight was a good opportunity to talk about it again. And talk about staying with mom at all times (although it really was my fault because I told him to put the stickers back. I explained that next time I would go with him).

Panic is not a nice place to visit...neither is fear for that matter. All I can say is I am so SO thankful God protected my sweet boy and I found him quickly.

I am still reeling from the experience. Every time I think about it I get this sick feeling of how I could have lost my boy. I am hoping to be able to sleep tonight without being haunted by all the what ifs.

Thank you God for Your grace and protection. Help me to rest in that tonight, and not in what could have been.

A picture just because I needed to post one of his sweetness.

He met me there

Did you ever have a moment where Jesus met you where you were at? A moment when He spoke to you, not audibly, but it was so loud and clear that it rang in your ears like a beautiful chorus? A moment where He whispered into the depths of your soul? A moment that you could almost feel His very breath upon you? A moment like this with my sweet Savior and lesson I needed to be reminded of, was recently etched on my heart...

This summer has been very full. Before it even began, I spent much time in prayer that God would give me fun and creative things to do with the kids. I really wanted to make this summer a time where we could build happy, lasting childhood memories. I really feel like the Lord has answered that, and fulfilled my longings as a mom. I have for the most part been able to fill our days with something entertaining and/or interesting to do.

As much as I have enjoyed the busyness and all the fun activities that we have done, I have to say I have become pretty worn out. By the end of last week, I had totally lost sight of pretty much everything. All the fun in the sun, lack of sleep (not to mention that I had the flu for a couple days, and that really set me behind), and my disheveled house had caught up with me. Saturday evening everything came to a head. I lost my temper with Bill and the kids. I started to feel like I had spent so much time and energy on my family, with no appreciation for my efforts (as if that was the very reason why I do what I do). I have been so busy taking care of everyone, trying to plan fun things, cook yummy healthy meals (in very hot weather), clean, and trying to make sure that I am there for Bill also...I suddenly felt like NO ONE was taking care of my needs. "What about me?" I wanted to shout. I felt like throwing in the towel and laying claim to my weariness.

Bill had plans that evening with a friend and was going to be gone for several hours. I was not feeling too great about the idea of having to feed the kids dinner, bath them and get them all to bed by myself...when all I wanted to do was be ALONE! So, I took a deep breath and accomplished the evening, having everyone in bed by 8:00. Looking around at my messy house and knowing that I couldn't rest until it was clean, I started to scrub the kitchen floor.

As I knelt there washing the dirt off my floor I poured out my heart to the Lord. I told him how weary I was. "Lord I feel like everyone keeps asking for more...more of me. I am empty. I have NOTHING left to give. I cannot do this."

I have to tell you...you may think I'm crazy but, Jesus met me there. Right there in that moment on my kitchen floor....on a floor that would not be worthy for a King.

"Come to me." came His gentle response. "lay your burdens at my feet. I will fill you. I will be your more. I will give you what you need to serve your family. Only turn to Me. Stop looking to your family to fill your desires and make you whole. Stop trying to do it on your own. Rest in me."

I felt a weight begin to lift. I felt His love for me. "Oh Lord, how could I so quickly forgot that YOU are what I need. Thank you for speaking to my soul and making me full...for taking my burden and reminding me it's not about me, it's all about you. Thank You for filling in the empty spaces. I want more of you and less of me. Help me to serve my family in Your strength."

Looking down into a bucket filled with dirt and grim from days of use, and no proper care, I saw myself. I saw my soul and the selfishness that had crept in. I saw my need for cleansing...to bathe in the presence of the Son. When I am empty I need to run into the arms of my Savior. I need to sit at His feet and rest in His Word.

Isn't that so like the Lord? To reach down to me in my weakness, to whisper in my ear. To fill my heart with joy and renewed strength to serve. I know that Jesus is always there, but this was a moment where I knew. I never ceased to be amazed at the depths of His love.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 1 Cor. 12:9

Help me Lord to embrace my weakness and rest in Your grace. To be a vessel used by You to show Your love to others. Thank you for filling my cup...for the reminder that You will meet me there, wherever there is.... Thank You that Your grace is enough.


Until we meet again...

Lessons from a puddle

The other day I decided to pack up all the kids and head to the park. Everyone was stir crazy, and it was beautiful out so we really had to get outside to enjoy the day. I picked a small park that I felt would be manageable being by myself with 4 little people. They were all giddy with joy and could not wait to play.

First thing I noticed when we got to the park was a HUGE puddle. "Oh great" I thought to myself. I knew James was going to see it right away. Sure enough, within minutes he eyes up the water. First he looks at me then the puddle, then he starts running. As I opened my mouth and said, "Stay out of the water", I felt the Lord nudge me. "Relax. It's ok. It's just water...and water dries. Let him enjoy being a boy."

So, I took a deep breath and sat down and watched. James ran and jumped and splashed,. Soon Ryan was joining in the fun. Both boys completely soaked but loving every minute of it. I just sat and watched in amazement. (Anna sat contentedly playing in the sand during all this) They had a whole park of fun things to play on and yet they chose the puddle. We were there for an hour and and a half and this is what they did for the majority of the time. I honestly think they were probably both thinking, "I can't believe mom is letting us do this. We better keep at it for as long as we can." :)

I know it won't always be appropriate to allow them to do such things, but in that moment it was. I needed to let them do what boys love to do. I found such pleasure in watching their joy written faces.

I read a quote the other day that said something like, "Oh serious mother today is the day to smile." Sometimes I find myself being far to serious and not enough silly. I know the Lord used this to show me that I need to lighten up, have fun with my kiddos, and find joy in the simple things.

I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on opportunities to experience the joy of childhood, because I was always too busy doing the "right" or "proper" thing. So I have resolved that...today is the day to love louder, hug tighter, laugh harder, grab them by the hand and do a silly dance,take a deep breath and enjoy watching my kids be kids. I'm not sure what that all entails yet, and it might look different each day, but I know that it'll bring a smile to my far to often serious face. And we might just all learn something in the process.

I think I am in for a crazy silly ride...

Learning to Love

"Perhaps everything terrible is, in it's deepest being, something that needs our love" - Rainer Maria Rilke I read this quote the other day and it really struck me. It seemed fitting to what I was going through right now.

Today was a hard day. One of those days where I felt like a failure. My oldest child is having major issues with her attitude, and issues with obedience. I feel like I am constantly have to discipline her. We have had lots of long discussions lately. I pray a lot for wisdom and to keep calm to be able to handle the situation rationally. I am trying not to take it personally when she says she hates me and then packs her bag to run away (later changed her mind because realized she didn't want to go hungry living out on the streets. :) ).

Some days I think I understand how it must feel to God to look upon me and see me walk in sin. It breaks my own heart to see one of my children choosing to go on the wrong path. In my sadness though, I feel such love for them. I want to teach them to understand that God's ways are the best. Choosing to side with God in obedience brings so much joy. Oh how my heart aches to have them understand. I love them so much and want them to see the truth.

I need strength to stand strong on these hard days. To know when to say yes and when to say no. To love my children more in the way they need to be loved. To understand that sometimes behavior is a cry to be loved.

I love being a mom. I wouldn't want to do anything else. But some days are just hard!

God, I cry out to you for help. I need your strength and your wisdom. Help me to love more, to love selflessly, to love each child the way that they need. Help me to show your grace. I pray that I would choose to walk in the spirit and You would shine through my selfish flesh. I pray for my children that they would understand the importance of obedience and that they would come to love you. Oh God I need You. You have blessed me so much with my little ones. I pray that you would step into the gap...take me out of the picture and fill me with your love. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. Thank you that you gently lead those that have young. Thank you Lord for renewing my strength and showing me how much I desperately need you to guide me.
In Jesus name, Amen

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Cor 13:4-7

Heart Lessons part 3

Part 1
Part 2
THE MINISTRY OF MOTHERHOOD: Is mothering enough?

I mentioned here that I really struggled last summer with what the Lord was asking me to do and to give up. I knew that He wanted me to lay aside my ministry leading our moms group at church, and focus on my family. As painful as it was to step aside, I did it out of obedience to my Savior, trusting that He knows best for me and for that ministry. I had peace about the decision, however I wondered at how my heart would feel as fall began, and things moved on without me.

Thinking about it made my heart hurt too much. I really struggled to find my self worth. I am no longer "in ministry", which has been so much a part of me...maybe a little too much. I suddenly found myself at a loss. "Who am I?" "I am only just a mom now. " I know it sounds terrible, but I really felt like I no longer had much value because I wasn't being used. I KNEW how important my role as a mother was, that is one of the reasons I stepped down from what I was doing. But my head knowledge was not connecting to my heart.

I can honestly say that these past 9 months or so of being "out" of church ministry have been such a blessing...unlike any I have ever known. I have been able to find true joy and purpose. I was so blessed to be used in serving the woman at our church. I truly enjoyed my time in that ministry. But I feel as though I have found my calling to be a mother, and to do it whole hearted. I am not implying that you cannot be involved in outside ministry. God calls a lot of moms to ministry outside their 4 walls...this was a very personal decision for me, and one that the Lord has given me total peace about.

For me, finding peace and joy came down to 3 things.

1. Stepping out in obedience--I knew that the Lord was asking me to set aside ministry in our church to focus on our family. My heart had become too divided, so it was time to step down.

2. Remembering that my self worth is not in what I do-- Who I am is found in Christ. My identity is in Him--not my ministry, my husband or my kids...only in Christ. "
"For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Col 3:3

3. Perspective--Looking at life through God's eyes, and determining what is important. Understanding my calling as a mom and the GREAT importance of that. Seeing each day as a gift, and each moment with my little ones as an opportunity to impact eternity.

A few quotes I want to share that really encouraged my heart on the subject of perspective:

Anne Morrow Lindberg observed somewhere in her timeless little book, "Gift from the sea", that most of us don't really mind pouring our lives out for a reason. What we do resent is the feeling that it is being dribbled away in small, meaningless drops for no good reason.
For me, one of the greatest frustrations of walking through the 'dailiness' of my life as a Christian is that I don't always get to see how the bits and pieces of who I am fit into the big picture of God's plan. It's tempting at times to see my life as a meal here, a meeting there, a carpool, a phone call, a sack of groceries- all disjointed fragments of nothing in particular.
And yet I know I am called, as God's child, to believe by faith that they do add up. That in some way every single scrap of my life, every step and every struggle, is the process of being fitted together into God's huge and perfect pattern for good.--Claire Cloninger (When God Shines Through)
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The story is told of Three woman washing clothes. A passerby asked each what she was doing.
"Washing clothes" Was the first answer.
"A bit of household drudgery" was the second.
"I'm mothering three young children who someday will fill important and useful spheres in life, and wash-day is a part of my grand task in caring for these souls who shall live forever" was the third.

Ordinary work, which is what most of us do most of the time, is ordained by God every bit as much as is the extraordinary. All work done for God is spiritual work and therefore not mearly a duty but a holy privilege.--Elisabeth Elliot (The Shaping of a Christian Family)

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Eph 2:10

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." Col. 3:23

I love these! Seeing life through heavenly lenses really changes my perspective. The ordinary things that I do, the work that often feels mundane--the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning, fits together to complete this perfect plan that God has for me. I am fulfilling God's plan for me and thus bringing Him glory in all the "small" tasks. Suddenly the ordinary turns into something that feels more like extraordinary. I am blessed, my heart is light...what an awesome privilege I have been handed in mothering my little ones.

Thank you God for the grace that is bestowed, the joy that has been given, and the peace that ensues, for this journey called motherhood.

4 weeks

Wow, it's hard to believe that I gave birth to Claire 4 weeks ago already! It seems only a moment ago. I know a month isn't that long, but seriously time is just flying by. Even though I have been through this baby faze 3 other times before it is so amazing to watch another baby grow and change. Every stage is still exciting. Watching a life blossom is the most precious thing.

Claire is a very sweet baby. She is a bit fussier then any of our other babies were. For awhile she screamed all the time. That was very frustrating. She seemed like she was in pain all the time. I decided to go completely off dairy this week to see if that would make a difference. So far this week has gone really good. Claire has cried much less, she hardly spits up, whereas before she would spit up all the time and often it would be A TON. I think we may have found the solution. Sigh! Giving up dairy is going to be hard...I love cheese and milk and butter. But, the bright side is I will likely loose those 25 pounds I have left to loose a lot quicker! Having a happy baby is totally worth giving up any kind of food!

I am so enjoying having a newborn. Even though there is a lack of sleep, I don't want her to grow up so fast. I want to savor every minute. Sometimes I stay up a tad later then I should, just because I am taken by her sweetness and how soft and cuddly she is. Speaking of, I hear my baby calling. I must go and tend to her...

Camping in 9 degree weather

Well, sort of! It has been so cold here lately. The kind of cold that makes you not want to leave the house until...until maybe spring...or at least until it warms up A LOT! This morning I got up and weather watcher said 9 degrees, feels like -5 degrees. It is supposed to feel like -20 degrees tomorrow. I have no plans of going out in that!!! Crazy cold!

Anyway, the kids have been getting restless cooped up in the house lately. So, today I dug the play tent out of the closet and set it up in the boys room. They had a blast! I think I should have done this sooner. We will keep it up for a few days while the fun lasts.

We had a good day today. We have had quite a few bad ones this week. We have had sickness and bad attitudes, and a tired mommy most of this week. Today was enjoyable. I enjoyed playing with my little ones.

Thank you God for play tents, and sweet kiddos to play with! Thank you for such a great day! It was a welcome relief. My heart feels full! I am so blessed.

Motherhood

I love this, Christ the ultimate example for motherhood...

"In the daily moments of eating, sleeping, and meeting the essentials of life with His disciples, Jesus taught, healed, fed, trained, loved, laughed, and instructed. Not only did the disciples hear the spiritual admonitions of Scripture, but they felt His devotion to them, demonstrated in reality as they felt His touch, heard His voice, and received the love of God incarnate. It's a picture of what we want to happen in our homes with our children."

Sally Clarkson, quoted in "Homeschooling Today"

toilet water, grease, bees, beavers, and ducks

Ok, so here is my funny story: it is very long, and it might be one of those stories that you had to be there to find funny, however I am recording it here, so that I don't forget.

About a week or two ago, I had one of those crazy mornings...well actually, those happen a lot around here. :) But this one was a doozy! It started out good. We got through our school work in good time. It was a beautiful, sunny, warm day. Janel called to see if we wanted to go to the park to feed the ducks, of course I said yes. She had to pick us up because that was when my car was broken. Anyway, after I fed the kids lunch I was running around trying to get ready to go. Janel called to say she was on her way, and I told her all I needed to do was finish packing the diaper bag....

But then, someone left the bathroom door open...

I thought I heard something coming from the bathroom so I peeked in and saw James (aka "Curious George") splashing in the toilet. YUCK! He had toilet water everywhere, and he had thrown Anna's loofah in there (thankfully he doesn't know how to flush). I promptly washed James off, set him outside the bathroom door and proceeded to mop and disinfect the bathroom. All of the sudden I hear James screaming. I run out to the porch to find him COVERED in grease up to his knees!! What in the world? I was in the bathroom cleaning for maybe 2 minutes tops! In that time he had managed to find the coffee can (I pour all my grease into) that I have tucked behind some stuff on the back porch. It was dumped everywhere. And James was just standing there screaming, like he was terrified of what he had all over him. He had apparently found the can, decided to stand on top of it, and then fell in. I grabbed him, pulled off his pants (which I had to soak in dawn dish soap), and then bathed him off. I had to remove everything on one side of the room (and throw out my broom and dust pan...I wasn't even going to attempt to clean that), and then figure out how to get it cleaned. I was in the middle of all this when Janel came to the door. I was one the verge of tears. Poor Janel, to have to walk in on all of that! She was so sweet and patient though and helped me finish getting the kids together so we could leave. Once in the car I breathed a sigh of relief.

Janel and I started chatting as we pulled out of the driveway. We had gotten maybe a mile down the road when I felt something on my foot. I shook it a little, and looked down. there was a bee crawling on me.

"AHHH." I yelled. "There's a bee on me." I shook it off my foot.

"where?' Janel screamed.

Then we both started screaming as the bee flew around. Janel puled over and and rolled down the windows. It flew out.

Meanwhile, the 5 kids in the car (who probably think their moms are crazy) are observing all this. Ella, Janel's 4 year old starts yelling, "Mommy where is the beaver?" "Why is there a beaver in the car?" Over and over.

It was just one of those moments...we both burst out laughing. Neither one of us could stop. I don't know if it was really that funny, or we both just really need to laugh. We laughed until we cried and until we both hurt. The kids just sat there. I'm sure we had just confirmed to them how crazy we really are! :)

The rest of the day was fine and light hearted. We enjoyed our time feeding the ducks and playing at the park.

Sometimes it just feels so good to laugh! Thank you God for friends and for bringing laughter in the midst of it all. :)

The pictures of the kids in the car, were snapped right after the bee or "beaver" incident. None of them knew what to think.

Heart Lessons Part 2

Part 1 is here.

MOTHERING AND MINISTRY: my divided heart

There has been a battle going on inside my heart all summer. Aside from what our circumstances were and the uncertainty of everything, there was a war going on inside my mind. I made a huge decision at the beginning of the summer. Something I knew the Lord was asking me to do. I referenced to this process as "Labor Pains" in June, but did not explain entirely what I was talking about. I knew that obedience was required of me, but I didn't know how hard it was going to be to let go and follow God's leading.

For the past three years I have been involved in a ministry to moms at our church; Time Out For Moms (TOFM) The first year I helped lead the small group of moms with another lady from our church. When she moved away to Chicago at the end of the year, God laid it on my heart to take over. My friend Janel decided to co. lead it with me. We had so much fun leading it together. We picked and planned what we were going to study, and also planned activities for us to do as a group. While I am not a born leader, I enjoyed studying for and teaching each lesson. There have definitely been trials, and struggles along the way. And Janel and I at times felt the attacks of the enemy. But neither one of us would trade any of it.

This summer as Janel and I began to prepare a study for this fall, things took an unexpected turn. God began to quietly speak to my heart concerning my family. I can't really explain it, but God made it clear to me that he was calling me to do something.

I want to share a quote from an article by Greg Harris that really spoke to me. He said concerning his kids,

C.S. LEWIS ONCE OBSERVED that God is not so much offended that we want too much as by the fact that we are satisfied with so little. Though He offers us the highest of adventures in our Christian life, we settle for the stale mediocrity of our lukewarm religious routines. The parental counterpart to this idea is that most mothers and fathers actually want too little for their children - they settle for success in this world's terms. But God would have us aim higher, not like an ambitious stage mother pushing her mildly talented children into the spotlight, but like a fine jeweler making the best possible use of each bit of gold, silver, and precious stone he has. My children are priceless treasures, and I want God's highest and best for them.

Putting things into that perspective really made me think. What is my desire for my children's lives? I certainly don't want to settle for anything less than what God desires for them.

This summer the Lord asked me to lay aside my ministry to the moms group. This was not a decision that came easily. I spent so much time praying about it and just trying to saturate my life with God's Word. It broke my heart to have to leave this ministry. At first when I came to the realization that God was asking me to quit, I really wondered, "God you can't be asking this of me? This is where my heart is. I love all of these women. My heart is to see them grow in the Lord." I was and still am sad at leaving because I see our young moms at a crucial point right now…ready for so much growth. It is right at the point where my heart has been longing for it to be, and now the Lord is asking me to step aside. While it has been a privilege to serve the Lord this way, He has made it clear that my time in this role is done; and that my main ministry and focus needs to be to my family. Bill and I have felt led to home school right now (we don't know for how long, just taking one year at a time). I cannot do that as effectively when my attention is divided.

When I informed Bill of the decision I had made and how God was leading me, his response confirmed what I already knew. He said that He had been praying for me for awhile that the Lord would lead me in the right direction. He really felt that my time as a leader had come to an end but didn't want to tell me that and influence my decision. Also, shortly after Bill and I talked, Janel called to say that she was feeling like God was calling her to leave TOFM. We both came to the same conclusion without ever having talked about it together.

I know that there may be those that won't understand my reasons. I prayed that there would be no hurt feelings. (I am pretty sure there weren't any...the Lord provided someone to take our place in this ministry.) But I am convinced that I am doing what God wants me to do…and I know that there is peace and reward in obedience. In my quiet time I had been reading the book of Isaiah. I came across a verse I had never though much about. Isaiah 2:22 "Stop regarding man, whose breath of life is in his nostrils; For why should he be esteemed?" It just struck me that I can not worry about man's opinion of me…and not to sound harsh, but I have to be more concerned about God's opinion of me and be obedient to that.

Leading TOFM has been one of the hardest but yet one of the most wonderful experiences. I learned so much during my time as a leader. I am very thankful for even the trials and the refining that took place in my life because of it. I am so thankful for all the moms and the wonderful friendships that I have seen blossom. I am thankful just for the opportunity to be able to teach what the Lord has laid on my heart; which at times was humbling.

I never knew what a struggle it was going to be to surrender to the path God has asked me to walk right now. I have peace about it, but yet full of sadness at having to leave something my heart was so tied to. (I will expound more on that later). This school year is going much better however with me being able to focus entirely on that. Oh, and I had no idea when God asked me to step out of TOFM (not step out entirely, I am still going to go, just not lead it.) that He was going to be giving us a baby in Feb. So...I know for sure that I am doing what He wants... and there is joy in that!

Thank you Lord for guiding me. Thank you for the opportunities you have given me in ministry. I pray that I would be a diligent worker in the task you have set before me...the ministry of motherhood. Thank you for filling my heart with peace and that the "labor pains" have subsided.