As she rested her chin in the palms of her hands an audible sigh escaped her lips, "I can't wait until I grow up." A bird in the tree caught her attention as it hurried about to feed it's young. The girl smiled wistfully and went back to her daydream...As a little girl I spent so much of my time dreaming of my future. I had many things I wanted to do with my life. At one stage it was to be a dancer, at another an actress. I know at one point I wanted to be a teacher like my mom. Then later a writer. Probably the strongest desire I had of all was to be a wife and mom. In some way I feel like many of the desires of my heart have been fulfilled. I took dance and gymnastics for several years. I was able to try my hand at acting in many childhood plays. I taught in different situations (although definitely not my strong suit or gift). I co. founded and co, edited a magazine for 5 years. Then after collage I got married and now have a beautiful family. I'm not telling all this to brag about what a wonderfully exciting life I've lead, that's hardly the case. I'm just focusing on the many blessings God has given me.
I feel very content being a wife and mom, but I have to admit that some days I still dream. I dream of ways that God can use my gifts and abilities outside of what I am already doing. Sometimes in the throws of motherhood it is easy to loose yourself and forget who you are. What brought this all to mind recently? A memory of a conversation.
It started in a car, with a friend, on our way to the Cheesecake factory. It was a late evening venture. A night away from our daily mommy happenings. I don't remember exactly what lead to the topic, but somehow we ended up on what our dreams and aspirations were. What would we do with our time when we didn't have little ones at home to chase and to care for on a 24/7 basis...be it that they were in school or grown. My friend admitted that she really had no idea what she wanted to do. I mulled the question over. There are lots of things that I enjoy doing that I could see myself getting involved in...when I have more time. But I had to admit that at the time I had rarely given it much thought. I was so caught up in (and enjoying, most days) taking care of my kiddos that sometimes I forgot that I was anything other then a mom. What would I do with spare time? Is there even such a thing? :) However curious a question I suddenly knew in my heart what I desired. It was like a little seed was planted that night.
It began to grow. I began to dream, like the little girl I once was staring off into the woods.
For as long as I can remember I have LOVED to take pictures. My best friend and I, as a kid were always staging "photo shoots". My dad would take me hiking as a teen just so we could capture the beauty around us on film. It is something I have never been great at, but something I enjoyed.
I decided to go back to school and take photography classes. At the time Bill had recently gotten a job that would allow me to take college classes for free. This seemed perfect...that is until he lost that job. Bummer! Oh well, I figured I would find another way to learn. During this time I purchased my first DSLR camera. I had saved for a really long time. I had consulted my friend Pam and got her opinion on cameras. She took the time to answer a lot of the questions I had about cameras and photography in general. Once I had that camera in my hand, I fell in love. :) I loved everything about it...the way it felt, the way it sounded.
One evening shortly after I had gotten my camera I got an email from Pam. She wanted to know if I would be interested in shadowing her. I was so excited! This was the opportunity that I had dreamed about. I would be able to get hands on experience. It seemed even better then going to school! :) It looked like God was working things out faster then I imagined. Would this dream of mine finally be able to become a reality?
Bill had gotten another job, we were in the process of looking at buying our first house. It seemed like things were really on the upside. That is when God decided to change our course. Seriously I was thrown for a loop, when Bill announced that God wanted us to pursue once again going to the mission field. If I can be perfectly honest here, after my initial surprise in this turn of events I felt somewhat let down. As much as I knew that God wanted for us to go into missions I was disappointed. It just seemed that God had given me a new passion and now He was asking me to give it back...to lay it down.
I came across this quote in the midst of struggling thoughts.
When I learn to say yes to God's will I am no longer preoccupied with myself, my abilities or the dreams for my life. Letting go of my dreams means my future will not be the way I always expected it to be. Only then, when I have released my death grip on what I believe God should do, the way I believe He should do it, and when I believe it should happen, am I free to fully receive what God has for me. If God calls me to put my dreams on the alter, I need to trust Him to replace them or revive them in a way that makes the original pale by comparison.
~Gary Mayes
God was calling me to put my dreams on the alter for the moment. I wrestled with this for a few months. I felt guilty that I was struggling with what seemed like such a silly thing. I mean in the grand scheme of things what's more important? Taking pictures or lost souls? I prayed that He would take my desire away. He did not. I prayed that He would help me to get excited about this new path we are headed down. Not quite yet...but getting there. What He did do however was fill me with His peace and give me a different perspective. It's not so much about what I do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a photographer. He can be glorified through that. I could have served Him in that way if He had chosen that for me. It's simply about walking in obedience. About being willing to give up what I want. Releasing my death grip on my dreams and saying, "Yes Lord thy will be done." I truly believe he can make my original pale...like a shade of gray in an ocean of color...in comparison to the tapestry He is weaving with my life. He can revive or replace those dreams...I trust Him enough with my heart. I stand here and wait on Him to work. He knows me best. He loves me more then I can imagine. Knowing that makes it easier to let go.
It has honestly taken me MONTHS to get to this point...but I am truly at peace with what He is doing. I will go on enjoying life....taking pictures of the people and things that He has blessed me with. But my hands are going to be open and willing to serve, not holding too tightly to dreams. And who knows maybe someday He will just call me and ask me to be His photographer....in some far off beautiful place. :)
