Prifish Explained

The definition of Prifish-- the combination of the words pride and selfish.

My friend Becky and I invented the word back in Bible Collage. We decided to come up with a word that we could use to remind each other when we were being too focused on ourselves. It was to hold one another accountable. This was something I totally needed. And herein lays a secret about me. Nothing to shocking or deep, but something not too many people who know me know. I have only shared it with a few people. Not that I am afraid to, I guess it really doesn't come up much. I'm not sure why I am going to share it here and now...maybe to be an encouragement to others who might have had or still have some of the same struggles. It is part of my testimony, part of my past, part of some of the trials that God has used to shape me into the woman I am today. I only share this to bring glory to my Redeemer.

It goes back to when I was 15. We hit a rough patch in our family when I was a teenager. My parents had split up and I found myself really searching for something. I didn't feel very good about myself. I hated how I looked. In my opinion I was totally ugly. I spent way to much time thinking about it. I'm not really sure how it happened or when it started but I ended up in a downward spiral. To cope with things I stopped eating. I started loosing weight. People noticed and always mentioned how thin I was. I took that as a compliment I guess, when really it was just an observation by most. It became a habit...something I could control in what I felt was a crazy upside world to me.

I became anorexic!

I will spare you all the sickly details, but suffice it to say it was not a pleasant time in my life. It was the epitome of self absorption. It went on for several years until I hit rock bottom around age 17. (I was a believer, but was obviously struggling.) My sister found me passed out in the bathroom and called for help. It was at that moment that I realized that I needed to stop! I thought I had all this control over my life when in fact I had lost it. I really believe that the Lord saved me that day...not eternal salvation, but saved from self destruction.

The Lord brought into my life a godly woman who began to mentor me. She took me under her wings and gave me the encouragement that I so desperately needed. She did Bible studies with me, and showed me everything I was in Christ...my position in Him. This changed my life. Seeing myself not how I saw it, but as God saw...something beautiful! I was His creation His beloved daughter. I learned that my body was a temple indwelt by the Holy Spirit. I knew this but it hit me in a new light. My body was not my own...I was a bond-slave to Christ. My perspective began to change. I still struggled but I learned that I needed to take EVERY thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

Fast forward a few years...I ended up at New Tribes right after High school. (How I ended up there is another long story for another time. :)) I made some incredibly amazing friends there. One in particular, Becky helped me to deal with my struggles. The Lord continued to break me and show me areas of sin, and how I could have victory. I don't think it had every really occured to me that me, being self conscious and seeing myself as worthless was a sin. In my opinion being humble meant that you thought lowly of your self (maybe not quite as drastic as I did but...). I was so far from the truth. Being humble is removing your self from the equation all together. It is dying to self and resting in your position in Christ.

Basically, I was standing there saying, God you made a mistake. I don't think you did a good job in your creation. Psalm 139:13-14 says,

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

According to this I am fearfully and Wonderful made. The God of the Universe does not make mistakes!

Becky and I would write notes to each other in class. (Some of which I still have, and I totally treasure them.) When one or the other was struggling with feeling worthless or ugly, we would write "Prifish", to bring perspective. It always seemed to help. Just that reminder that my self worth is not wrapped up in me...it is in Christ.

I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to go to a Bible school. Those 2 years were some of the hardest but most rewarding years. I cannot explain what a privilege it was to spend that time devoted to study...and under some very godly believers.

I could go on and on about things I learned (I am sure I will bring it up many times). I just wanted to explain the reason behind the title. When I am feeling bad about myself, I have to come back my position in Christ. In the end, what I look like really doesn't matter...it's what's in my heart.

Please don't misunderstand me. I think is perfectly ok to want to look good...as woman we all have the desire to be beautiful don't we? God created us that way, with those desires. But, if it becomes an obsession that's when a refocusing needs to be in order.

So tonight I am going to bed knowing and resting that His creations are beautiful (including me); I am His princess, and He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.

P.S. Thanks for all the encouraging notes about my hair issues...I really needed it! :)