Yesterday was NOT a good day. In fact it was pretty awful, one of the worst we have had since we started school. Or at least it felt like it was. I had attitudes, a toddler who trashed the house little to no time and seemed determined to do something that required my immediate attention every few minutes and an unusually fussy baby. (It is not abnormal for the house to get trashed while I am teaching. I let him get out coloring books and lots of different teaching toys to spark his interest. But yesterday the mess just got to me). And to top it off the bookshelf on the sun porch where I keep all our school stuff collapsed, spilling stuff EVERYWHERE!! I totally lost my temper and yelled at the kids. I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke right there.
As I sat in the kitchen with my (throbbing) head buried in my hands, crying and feeling as if I could not do this, James placed his chubby little hands on my arm and asked, "What's wrong mommy?" His big brown eyes looking at me with concern. Before I could respond he ran off to play in the other room. I sat there wondering too, "What IS wrong with me?" Then it hit me...
Ryan is having surgery tomorrow morning. It is actually not THAT big of a deal. It is out patient. The surgery itself takes about an hour. We know several others who have had this same surgery and have all been fine. But the thought of my baby boy having to be put under makes me feel a little scared and just upset. I realized that most of my emotion from the not so unusual chaos, stemmed from the feelings I have about Ryan's procedure. The stress of his impending surgery had caught up with me. I was letting fear and anxiety creep in and affect how I responded to every situation from that morning
Later in the afternoon I was able to squeeze in 5 minutes of quiet (which wasn't really quiet, HA :) ) time. I read this,
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber...
Psalm 121:1-3
That was just wanted my spirit needed. The reminder that my help comes from the Lord. I need to keep my eyes on Him. He is my maker. He loves me. He will not let me slip. He watches over me and never for a second am I out of His eyesight. It is amazing how dwelling on that passage of scripture helped me to overcome my anxiety. It is hard to explain but it had felt like there has something pressing on me making it hard to breath. As I talked to the Lord He removed that feeling, showing me that He is in control. All my struggles from the day just unfolded. He helps me to be the mom that He wants me to be. He helps me to control my temper and to love. He helps me to lay my anxiety at His feet...He is my help!
As I sat in the kitchen with my (throbbing) head buried in my hands, crying and feeling as if I could not do this, James placed his chubby little hands on my arm and asked, "What's wrong mommy?" His big brown eyes looking at me with concern. Before I could respond he ran off to play in the other room. I sat there wondering too, "What IS wrong with me?" Then it hit me...
Ryan is having surgery tomorrow morning. It is actually not THAT big of a deal. It is out patient. The surgery itself takes about an hour. We know several others who have had this same surgery and have all been fine. But the thought of my baby boy having to be put under makes me feel a little scared and just upset. I realized that most of my emotion from the not so unusual chaos, stemmed from the feelings I have about Ryan's procedure. The stress of his impending surgery had caught up with me. I was letting fear and anxiety creep in and affect how I responded to every situation from that morning
Later in the afternoon I was able to squeeze in 5 minutes of quiet (which wasn't really quiet, HA :) ) time. I read this,
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber...
Psalm 121:1-3
That was just wanted my spirit needed. The reminder that my help comes from the Lord. I need to keep my eyes on Him. He is my maker. He loves me. He will not let me slip. He watches over me and never for a second am I out of His eyesight. It is amazing how dwelling on that passage of scripture helped me to overcome my anxiety. It is hard to explain but it had felt like there has something pressing on me making it hard to breath. As I talked to the Lord He removed that feeling, showing me that He is in control. All my struggles from the day just unfolded. He helps me to be the mom that He wants me to be. He helps me to control my temper and to love. He helps me to lay my anxiety at His feet...He is my help!
If you think of it please be in prayer for us in the morning. Ryan will be in surgery at 10:00 am (central time). My dad is here for the weekend to help out, which is such a blessing. We are going to be laying low this weekend.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing. I'll be praying. Keeping looking up.
Praying!
I've had some of those really tough days lately, without any excuse like you have. This has been really encouraging to me.
i know what you mean by days like this. i hope today is better.
Aww I had a WEEK like this and no one was having a procedure:( Glad you are Trusing Him:)
Elizabeth, I can SOOO relate right now! What is Ryan's procedure for? I know the anxiety of having little one's "go under" even for minor procedures... it IS stressful!
BTW, I have to say, I have really appreciated your blog... I have found that our "life-lessons" often correlate quite a bit, only you always seem to handle yours with so much more grace than I handle mine! And that encourages me to seek God more earnestly! Thank you! :o)
P.S. may I add your blogs to my blogroll at http://jennifersjottings.wordpress.com ?
I hear you sista!!! We'll be praying for the surgery tomorrow- and surgery is surgery and of course we mommies worry! :) I do believe you can worry to a degree w/o sinning :O)
Maybe next time you have important things coming up, you can just plan a quiet day before it so YOU can rest and be calm! I myself choose to make it a non school day for sanity sake for everyone. Your kids definitely pick up on mommy emotions!
Good job at having lots of organization for everyone during school! I myself find it helps us ALOT with the younger ones!
Anyway, will be praying for Ryan tomorrow! Keep your chin up and know that we're holding you before Him!
Post a Comment